Well, I decided on the job issue (though I hate making decisions of any kind), and took the job at the college, which is in an office, answering phone calls and using a computer. This is something I know I can do without great difficulty. Being a home companion to disabled people was not.
Also, the home companion agency is a one-woman-run company where my boss would also be the company owner, the CEO and the human resources department, all wrapped into one, so, if I had any complaints or problems with anything, I would be screwed. Also, she has only been in business for a couple of years. Also, she does not appear to follow up on calling when she says she will and is generally not reliable. Also she wanted me to work in homes that are 45 minutes to an hour away from where I live, she was not going to pay me for gas, I have no air conditioning in my car so, I, and the people I was to transport, would be very hot, and I would have to increase my car insurance for the liability issue of driving people around, but she failed to tell me this.
So, because the college is a reliable institution who will give me a definite paycheck, even if it is the size of a paycheck one gets for flipping burgers at McDonald's, and because the job duties for the college job are things I am comfortable doing, I decided that would be the best thing to take.
I started yesterday, and it has gone pretty well thus far. I still have some things to learn with the computer software system they use, and it will be a little while before I really know what I'm doing, but that is true with any new job. At the same time, I am not really used to the act of getting out of the house at a certain hour of the morning, looking presentable for the public, and keeping up appearances in general as one must do to keep a job. I think because of my general depression, which has, recently, been rather overwhelming, and my problem with generally being overwhelmed easily by the duties of every day life, I have let myself basically fall apart in recent months. It was easy enough to do. My boyfriend moved out, I had no one coming over, and I don't care much about how messy things look when I'm the only one here besides the cat.
I also always find things that are infinitely more interesting than doing the dishes - like making webpages about the religion I invented, or going to the bookstore for six or seven hours to read, or watching TV - which end up replacing the washing of the dishes and the cleaning of the apartment, and the doing of the laundry. This is not a good situation of course, because neglecting all these duties eventually leads to a very disgusting situation that is an epic disaster beyond comparison. And that is the state my apartment is in right now. I have absolutely no idea how to clean it up. The mere concept of doing so overwhelms and terrifies me, so I do not even attempt to try it.
I know this probably sounds to someone reading this like I am just, plain lazy. But that really is not the case. I have even asked my therapist if she thinks I am lazy, and she does not believe I am. She knows me pretty well, and I think her opinion is reliable. It's not that I lack ambition, or that I want to lie in bed and do nothing all day. It's just that I don't feel quite capable of tackling a mess of this magnitude by myself. If I could, I would hire someone to help me clean up. But they probably would walk right out when they saw how bad the place looks. It is unfortunate, but I learned these lousy housekeeping habits from my mother, whose home is always a total disaster area - much like mine is now. I'm not using that as an excuse, or anything, just mentioning it because I think when you grow up in a home where there is no routine cleaning going on, on a regular basis, you never learn to do routine cleaning. I never learned it. My brother, somehow, learned it on his own or from my dad, because he's a neat freak and completely opposite of me in this regard. My sister (the one who is 26), is a messy slob like me and my mom. I don't really understand this, because in other aspects of life, we are not compltely dysfunctional human beings. But our housekeeping skills are really beyond the pale.
Having said this, I will, of course, clean my apartment, eventually. I know that I must, and it is a matter of forcing myself to face the disgusting mess and not let the mess overwhelm me.
Moving along to other topics....I mentioned in my last post that I would be going to Disneyworld with my mom to try to cheer her up about the death of her dog. As usual, going to Disney with my mom presented many difficulties, and it was not without humiliating moments of public screaming scenes, with my mom being the only one screaming. She told off the hotel staff at great length, which led to them giving her a free ticket to Disneyworld parks, and that shut her up. She screamed at me, because, as always, when things go awry, it must be somehow my fault, or, at least, that is how things work in her mind. I did go back to the hotel early the day we went to the parks, but that was mostly because of heat and exhaustion, and just partly because my mom was driving me nuts.
We did have fun at times. We went on rides, and watched shows, and tried to enjoy ourselves. The embarassing public scenes just put a damper on things. My mom has a very limited amount of tolerance for people of other nationalities than AMERICAN, and she pointed out to a few foreigners at Disneyworld that their behavior was not American enough. One group was kneeling on a blanket outside, praying to Allah, because they were Muslims. My mom took the opportunity to stop and sing, "My Country Tis of Thee", to which she knows all the words, to these people, reminding them that "This is AMERICA!"
Other than such scenes of racial tension, all was okay most of the time....It's very hard to make my mom happy, because she generally finds nothing but problems wherever she goes, and endless things to complain about, so she pretty much stated that the entire trip was a horrible disaster and she did not enjoy herself. But that was to be expected, and is just par for the course. In truth, she did have a good time, at least during a few select moments. She just doesn't want to admit that.
On to other topics....my website for the Church of the Righteous Heathens, which I recently created, has been up for a few weeks now, and has not managed to elicit one single donation of one cent from anyone! This is unfortunate, because I was following the advice of L. Ron Hubbard, who said once that the way to become a millionaire was to start a religion (and this seemed to work for him quite well), but, alas, it seems to take some time for the money to start rolling in. Good that I have an alternative, and more accepted form of employment, to pay the bills while I wait to become a famous and rich Prophet of the Feminist God.
Please note: Whereas, when I was psychotic, I really believed I was Jesus, I do not, now, really believe I am God or a prophet of God. This is a joke.
Well, I think I've updated you on recent events, and be sure to check back again soon as I feel the writing bug crawling around in my gut, and I will most likely be back here within a few days. Thanks for listening, and, as always, your comments are appreciated.
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