Saturday, July 12, 2008

Aliens, God, and Other Silly Things

Is anyone but me watching Larry King right now? Apparently aliens are invading Texas. I find this quite amusing. I am thinking of hopping a Greyhound bus out of Florida to meet these visitors from foreign universes in El Paso, or whatever town they're in, as, obviously if aliens are going to visit the Earth, it is fitting that they should head to Texas first. Perhaps they are coming to retrieve their specimen that escaped from the lab, otherwise known as George W. Bush. Beam him up, Scotty! Do the world a favor!

Well, I digress. I do try to laugh as much as possible, though. I think this is what has saved my life - having a sense of humor. Perhaps that is the purpose of having a sense of humor; it's God's little way of helping people along through whatever crap they might have to go through in their time on Earth. I have been spending the past few days working on a humorous website (well, it's humorous to me, at least), and this has been rather fun. I would post the link here, but my name is there and I prefer not to have my name on this blog.

Suffice it to say - it's a site about God being a woman, a feminist, and a lesbian. I'm not actually a lesbian myself, though I'm sure plenty of people will think I am whe they see this website. That's fine with me, since I don't really care if people think it. In fact, if I had not grown up in such a ridiculously right-wing, Republican, conservative, discriminatory family, perhaps I would have a different sexual orientation. I don't know...but this is interesting to think about. I was at the bookstore tonight, and I often frequent the women's studies/ feminism sections of the bookstores. Right next to that section is the gay/lesbian section, and I've hardly ever picked up a book from there.

I realized that I was actually afraid to be seen picking up a book about gay people, which is embarassing to admit, as I like to consider myself a pretty open-minded person, but I guess when you grow up all your life surrounded by homophobia, it is a bit ingrained inside you. Anyway, it was rather liberating when I did pick up some of those books and decided I did not care who looked at me doing it. It's interesting because I've spent many, many hours of my life in bookstores, and I've almost never seen anyone browsing the gay/lesbian section. When I have seen people there, they've always been looking over their shoulders and moved away when they thought someone was watching. I think this says a lot about our society, and how ridiculously homophobic our culture is.

Which is why, I decided to make my God a lesbian. Well, of course I didn't make Her that way; She made Herself and everybody else, including all universes and aliens currently visiting Bush in Texas. I personally felt that if God was a black, overweight, lesbian, she would be challenging all of the social constructs of gender, race, sexual orientation and physical state that we have in our society, particularly here in the United States. It also occured to me that this would bring on the wrath of the religious zealots of the world; but I'm not too worried about them. After all, I'm not doing anything that gets enough attention to warrant a suicide bomber hitting my apartment or an anti-gay, misogynistic assassin showing up at my door (hopefully).

I used to get a lot of threats from some people online when I ran a feminist message board on Delphi, which was, at the time, a place that got a lot of traffic and had a lot of forums. I stopped running it years ago, though I believe it still exists under the people I handed the reigns too. It's interesting when you put up a feminist forum on the internet how many little roaches come out from under their rocks and send you pictures of fetuses and letters about how much they want to rape young girls. I found it rather disconcerting, and for a time, put in a lot of energy to getting one particular cyber bully kicked off his ISP, but that never really panned out.

Anyway, this is not actually what I was planning on writing about here at all. I had another topic in mind, so forgive me if I switch topics here for a minute.

It has occured to me (and I know I've mentioned this before here), that I have really stopped living since my boyfriend and I broke up, back in January of this year. It sometimes hits me like a new revelation, then I kind of stop thinking about it, until one day I realize, I have no food in the house, and the reason I avoid going grocery shopping is because every time I do that, it reminds me of living with him. To be quite honest with you, I have not used my oven since the day he left. I have not cooked anything for myself except microwaved junk. And most of the time, the only food I keep in the apartment anymore is cereal (and the occasional frozen SouthBeach Diet meal).

I have been trying to find a job, and I was, previously, in college, but underneath everything I do everyday, I have had a sense of utter defeat and a feeling of being completely lost. It is not that he was the best boyfriend in the world; he frankly wasn't. It's not that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him; I really didn't. It's not that there were no problems in the relationship; there were many. It's the comraderie, and the routine of being in the relationship, and of always having a partner to go places with and do things with, that I miss. It's not even really about him as much as it is about the person I was trying to be when I was with him.

In effect, I was really trying for about two years to be a person that I'm not. I stopped writing when I was with him, as anybody who read this blog in the past would know. I never came here. I stopped working on issues that concern me much when I was with him. I spent a lot of time doing things like grocery shopping, cooking, calling his doctor's for him and making him appointments like he was an infant who couldn't do anything himself, paying all the bills, making his lunch, and working at my now-defunct crappy job at the nonprofit agency where I used to work. I spent a lot of time trying to be a "good girlfriend", and, as a feminist, I know that's really quite nauseating.

Sometimes now, I'll crack a joke to my sister about how pathetic I was when I lived with my boyfriend, and will both laugh in astonishment at how I acted like a complete doormat during that time. I can't really explain it. I guess it has a lot to do with low self-esteem and not feeling "worthy". It also has a lot to do with my mental illness and not feeling "normal", because, frankly, after you've been diagnosed with a form of Schizophrenia, you've pretty much been told you are not whatever "normal" is. And that bothered me. It bothered me to such an extent that I was willing to put on a big act 24/7, trying to fill a role that never quite suited me.

And then he left. And I completely stopped doing all of those things that I was doing. But unfortunately, I went to far in the stopping. I stopped cleaning, stopped cooking, quit my job, stopped doing many things that need to be done in order to have a decent, functional life. And that was my downfall. I still have not corrected that problem, but at least, I am aware of it. I go to therapy every week, but I don't think I've really dealt with this issue there enough to get past it. I think in many ways, I was kind of scarred by my experiences in hospitals and in the places I lived for a couple years, when my life totally revolved around my mental illness. And I tried to do a 180 degree turn-about from that, when I moved in with my boyfriend. But it never quite fit.

Today, I think I'm still trying to move past my relationship with him, and to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to feel like my life, whether I'm alone or not, really matters. I got this idea in my head that my life only mattered when he was in it. I know that is something I need to move beyond. Thanks for listening.

2 comments:

Greg M. said...

Feeling worthwhile or that I have something that matters to me is beyond my reach at the moment. Sometimes, too many times, I feel sorry for myself because my illness has destroyed the past 10 years of my life.

Soon, hopefully very soon, something will matter to me and will make my life feel worthwhile. I don't know what that will be, but when it happens I'll recognize it. At least I think so.

Greg

Ken Albin said...

It's good that you can stand outside yourself and look at your present situation objectively. That is something that many people find hard to do. As far as blog writing, it is a wonderful way to help with this process as well as a catharsis for those stresses in life. God? Well, I was raised a Baptist but these days I'm probably closer to a Thoreau type Transcendentalist. Whatever he/she/it is like, it is probably something I could never understand.

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