Wednesday, July 02, 2008

depression and various issues

Well, I have been continuing to have quite a bit of trouble with depression lately, so I asked my psychiatric nurse practioner to change my antidepressant, which she did. I went back on one that I have taken in the past, because I think it worked better for me. So hopefully that will help things. I've also been trying to get my wacky sleep schedule (or lack of sleep) back to a more normal routine, where I am not up all night long every night. So this has involved several days where I was up all night, then forced myself to stay awake all day as well, so that I could go to sleep at a more normal hour the next night. It hasn't worked completely, but it has helped a little.

I have a long history of trouble with depression, so it is nothing new to me. Unlike previous time periods in my life, I am not thinking about suicide at all, and I am not having any psychotic thoughts at this time whatsoever, so I am doing well on a couple of different fronts. That is progress, and some of that can be attributed to Seroquel, which seems to work quite well for me. Not thinking about suicide is something that I also attribute to my own personal efforts to change that habit I had for years, of thinking that suicide was the solution to all of my problems. I have made a conscious effort over the past few years to not think that way anymore, and I have noticed the thoughts are not there now, even when I am really depressed. I think that taking medication for hypothyroidism also helps me a bit because it seems to prevent my depression from getting as bad as it used to get - where I would be completely suicidal and not functioning. I guess I'll never know what exactly has made the change possible, but it is probably a combination of factors.

While I have been unemployed for a while now, it is just at this point that the issue is becoming a problem, since I am not going to be able to make it financially unless I find a job right away. So, for that reason I've been looking into some jobs that I do not really want, but which might allow me to make some money for the bills. These are telemarketing jobs, and while I absolutely despise doing that type of work, I have done it in the past, and I suppose I could do it again temporarily.

In the meantime, there has been a great amount of family drama going on. Most of this involves problems my siblings are having. One of them has a great deal of trouble with depression herself, and consistently talks about suicide, which always disturbs me a great deal. She is getting help, so hopefully she will work on her problems in therapy and medication will be of some assistance, but her problems have been ongoing for some time. Another one of my siblings is a teenager who has been getting into some trouble. Hopefully she will straighten herself out and have a good future.

All my grandparents are still alive, but one of the grandfathers has cancer now, and it is apparently pretty advanced. The other one has Alzheimer's and does not look very healthy at all, in pictures that I saw which were recently taken. I am glad that I went to the state that they live in, last March, and visited them. I know that they are not going to live forever, but I hope that they will be around for at least a little while longer.

Due to my trouble with depression, and a lack of motivation, I have let my apartment fall apart in recent months. I need to work on it a great deal. It is a bit of a problem because I have some trouble with all-or-nothing thinking, and I think that either I have to clean the entire place and make it look great, or there is no sense in cleaning this at all. This mode of thought leads to feeling overwhelmed and perpetual procrastination, while the place becomes messier and messier. This is an issue that I really need to work on in the future. I did not have this problem when I lived with my boyfriend, because, somehow, living with him motivated me to keep up with things much better than I do on my own. I wish his leaving did not have so many detrimental effects on my state of mind as it has.


  1. I hope you find a job soon. Sometimes money is more important than having the perfect job.

    I have been reading your blog now for quite some time and your stories have really touched my heart. I apologize in advance for the amateur playing but I played all the instruments and did the best I could. I wrote you a song called "Beautiful Mind". It is at
    Take care.

  2. Ken, Thank you so much! That is literally one of the nicest things anybody has ever done for me. Somewhat funny story: I once dated a guy for about two minutes who wrote a song for me, but we were more like friends than anything else and I am pretty sure he is actually gay. Anyway, the amusing part of that story is that he sang the song with his guitar in our therapy group - that's where I knew him from, an outpatient day-treatment program! Haha, we were both Schizoaffective. I sometimes wonder what happened to him. He moved to Vermont to live with his friend, who I believe was actually his boyfriend, which is a shame because I would have been completely fine with him being gay but I guess he didn't want anyone to know. Anyway, I just meant to say thanks for the tune! I didn't know you were so into music. And thanks for reading this blog. I really appreciate your comments.
    I hope you and your family are doing well, and I hope things are going well for you at your school with the work issues that you discussed on your blog in the past. You are one of the two people who have really motivated me to keep writing here, so thank you.


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