Monday, April 21, 2008

darkness visible

I am not acutely psychotic. That is the positive aspect of my current situation. I am telling myself this like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz chanting, "there's no place like home". I am not psychotic.

I am, however, horrendously depressed. Or as I used to say when I was younger and read a great deal of Plath's poetry "in the bell jar". So, right now, actually I am in the deep trenches of depresseive despair - deep inside the bell jar - and do not know how to get myself out of here.

Taking note of my symptoms, I notice that I have lost interest in activities I usually enjoy (like writing this blog, or writing emails). I have cut off contact from other people, thereby isolating myself. I have become despondent. I have lost all motivation to accomplish pretty much anything.

I am definitely in the DSM-IV category for depression, it seems.

The problem for me is not usually that I don't know there's a problem. I have plenty of insight into my problems. The problem is that I don't know how to fix things.

I long for a magic pill to bring me back up to my regular speed of existing. Prozac just isn't cutting it.

I will try to write more here later.


  1. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Dylan Thomas

  2. I can sympathize with your situation as I also fight against depression at times. Watching comedies on DVD and getting out of the house seem to help me overcome it most of the time. That may or may not help you, though, since everyone is different. I wish there was a 'magic pill' that could bounce you out of this, but the medications you are on are probably the best they can come up with for now. I would still suggest seeking a change in medications/dosages if that is possible. You know, taking charge of your own life is necessary for any improvement. When we feel helpless we stay mired in depression. It sounds like a cliche but it is true nonetheless. Grab life and get out of it what you can. Take care and keep updating about your progress. *hugs*

  3. Hi Beautiful Mind/Complex Life,

    It's good to hear from you. I've been checking back from time to time. If you can, keep writing.

    I've been having trouble blogging for the last two or three months. I don't know what's up with me. I've also been isolating myself and yet I'm not depressed, not really.

    I'm sorry you are stuck "in the bell jar" so to speak, but think of it as temporary. How long has it been since you had a psychotic break? I found that I was depressed for months afterwards, though my delusions and paranoia did start to fade. I think depression is a natural part of the healing process. Sound weird? It is weird, but so. You start to wake up to how controlled you once were by the delusions and it just really hurts and then there's the months of trying to find the right combination of drugs. I think I told you this before, but when I was extremely depressed I would listen to audiobooks for hours. All you have to do is lie down and listen. That's all. I still recommend it.

    Have you found something that helps you to get your sleep?

    You will get through this. I'm still in your corner.


  4. beautiful mind, I am interested in knowing more about you and your apparent schizophrenia, I've been reading about schizophrenia and I was wondering if you could help educate me more about it. Can I have an email chat with you or something?

  5. Beautiful Mind,

    Since coming across your Blog, I've been fascinated with how well you can explain what's happening to you. I can relate, but I can't explain my situation that well for some reason.

    This might make you laugh a little bit, when I was in the early stages of my Schizoaffective Disorder my voices told me to walk up to the window of a local business and eat the flowers for a meal while everyone watched.

    Of course, I was severely under the influence of my voices at the time, so I did it. It drove me nuts at the time, but now I can look back on it and laugh. It's lucky that my voices didn't make me eat dirt for dessert.


  6. Just checking in again. Let us know that you're okay.
    I miss reading your thoughts.



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