Tuesday, March 11, 2008

problems

I am trying to keep my spirits up, but there are certain things getting in the way. I went off Prozac by losing the bottle for two weeks. So now that I'm back on it, it has to get into my system, which takes time.

Because of this, I have been having obsessive thoughts about unhealthy things.
I can't concentrate at all to study and I have two final exams coming up for which I am not prepared.

Because I told my friend I was having odd thoughts about him, he totally stopped talking to me, which hurts.

Every once in a while, just a little bit....I hear and see secret "messages" as I call them, in things I read or things people say. It doesn't happen often and I'm not having a psychotic break, but it happens enough.

It takes me anywhere from 2-5 hours to fall asleep at night after I take my medication, and if I take the highest dosage which makes me sleep the best, I sleep well into the next day, sleeping 13 hours or so. But if I take the lower dose, I just sleep for 5 hours or so. I wake up tired either way, as the medication is very sedating. This is just not working for me.

I think about random, horrible things like shooting myself in the head, slicing my throat, and cutting my wrists - OCD type thoughts that are repetetive and intrusive. This is disturbing because I was not having these kinds of thoughts for a while. It started up again after my boyfriend left, and it comes and goes. I do not intend on acting on any of these thoughts.

So, while I'm tryig to think positively, focuse on what is going well in my life, and think of solutions to problems, rather than getting depressed about them, I find myself getting depressed nonetheless.

1 comment:

Ken Albin said...

At least you are trying to work through these feelings, which is the best way to go. Hang in there and try not to get too down about the present. Look around you and take joy in the little victories. Feel better soon.

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