miscellany

I can't sleep, again. I ran out of Restoril. I realized that I ran out of Prozac too - about a week ago, or somehow I lost the bottle. So the lack of my antidepressant combined with hormonal issues would be making me more depressed and angst-filled than usual right now.
I feel very angst-filled.
I am disturbed by my own behavior in recent days, writing all these posts I deleted. I wish I could take a surgical tool and remove the subject that I was writing about from my brain and never think about it too much again. But I can't. Mr. Wonderful stopped talking to me, which shouldn't come as a real shocker considering I told him I was having trouble with my thoughts regarding him, and am sure this would make anyone feel odd and uncomfortable about talking to a person.
I feel, again, uneasy with the solitude in my life. Otherwise known as being lonely, but it's getting kind of old talking to this blog about how lonely I am.

I got my nails done today! They look nice. I went to the movies with my mother. I finished reading Crazy: A Father's Journey Through America's Mental Health Madness, which was a pretty good book. I didn't accomplish much else though. My apartment needs a lot of work. I don't feel motivated to do it, because of depression, I guess.

There are a lot of things I need to do which I just don't feel up to doing these days. I know that, like I said, some of this is hormonal, and some is probably medication related. I go to my doctor tomorrow; I'll get some more Prozac.

I am a little worried about seeing the doctor because, I REALLY, REALLY want to get off Invega ASAP as I have gained so much weight from it. I DO NOT want to take that drug for another week much less another year. The problem is that we had a plan whereby I would replace Invega with Abilify, but I've been vomiting from taking Abilfiy for a month now; apparently my stomach cannot tolerate that stuff. I kept taking it thinking the problem would stop, but it hasn't. So I am now going to have to tell the doctor to take me off two of my antipsychotic medications, and ask her to prescribe something in replacement of them. I don't know if she will be willing to do this; that is the problem. If she's not, I'm looking for a new doctor; in fact, I've already picked one out. I think he might be better actually, so I am thinking about going to see him. I will give my doctor at the community mental health center another try first, though.
Ok, it' three AM now, so I'm going to attempt to sleep again.

This is one of my favorite songs. I was just listening to it. It's by Ani Difranco, my favorite musician:

"Dilate"

life used to be life-like
now it's more like show biz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time

when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i use my dress
to wipe up my drink
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate

so i'll walk the plank and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget every time
and the forgetting defines me
that's what defines me

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
my hands grope for the light
my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone