Thursday, February 28, 2008

Delusions of a Man

Update, on sleep: I did go to my doctor's office, though the doctor did not see me, and I told my caseworker there what is happening with my lack of sleep. So, the doctor increased my Seroquel. I think I mentioned this already, actually. I go back next week to see the doctor, and tell her that this increase is not enough for me to sleep at a normal hour. Just wanted to fill you all in on that, if you've been reading along here.

So I think I'll write about something that I never talk about here, since the subject is a person and the person knows how to find this blog, since I told him about it before. And the main problem is, it's a cause of severe humiliation, which I like to avoid like most humans, so I don't tend to talk about this subject. But the thing is, it's a major part of my life, and I can't avoid it by not talking about it. It's a problem that other people with Schizophrenia might be able to relate to.

So, there's this guy and I've known him for a number of years. I've only known him through the internet though, and the phone. We have never met in person, although we have known each other since 1997, which, as you might notice, was a long time ago.

When I first met this guy, online, the guy and I had a short romantic relationship over the phone where we ended up saying we loved each other and stuff like that. That did not last long though. The guy figured, quickly, that this was silly since we had never met in person, and the guy basically stopped talking to me for some time. Then we would talk again, but only as friends. So we have remained friends, on again and off again, but mostly on, since that time.

The thing is, I have delusional thoughts that have bothered me the whole time I've known this guy, about how he's my soulmate and I'm meant to be with him and live with him and marry him and all sorts of silly things. I call these delusional thoughts, because:
1. Never met the guy
2. Guy has no interest in me whatsoever as a romantic partner
3. Guy lives with his girlfriend and their child now

So, as you can see, my thoughts that we're going to live happily ever after, were never based in reality.

The problem is, whenever I end up lonely or feeling the need to connect with someone, I turn to this person. I do that because t his is the only guy I've ever known who truly seems to understand me as who I am, and accept me for it. The only one. My boyfriend of two and half years did not know key information about me, because I never told him. But I did tell this guy. I told this guy a lot of things I never talked about with anyone.

Sometimes, the guy will call me, and sometimes, we chat like old friends on the phone. Mostly, however, our relationship consists of emails, and mostly, those emails are written by me.

It occurs to me that the guy probably thinks I'm a joke. He knows all about my mental illness, and he has his own troubles in that arena, so to some extent we can relate. But he's not Schizophrenic, and he does not relate to most of my problems like delusional thinking. So he doesn't understand why I come up with the idea in my head that he is Mr. Wonderful.

I tell myself that the whole thing is silly. That nobody is Mr. Wonderful, but that there are many wonderful people out there, and I just have not met most of them. I tell myself that this guy has never shown (in the past ten years) any interest in even MEETING ME FOR COFFEE ONCE. You would think that would set my mind straight.

But I have Schizophrenia, and I am prone to delusional thinking. This person, apparently, is a "stuck" delusion that I can't get rid of. It doesn't help that I talk to him almost every day because that, of course, probably makes it impossible to stop having the delusoinal thoughts.

THere have been, however, times when I did not have these delusional thoughts. When I was with my boyfriend, and I was not lonely, I was able to view this person as my friend, and just an internet friend (which is all this person wants to be to me), and things went fine. I could email him every so often, and he could email me, and it didn't get wacky or out of control.

Other times, however, I think about this person and I think, this is the ONE person that I am meant to be with, and I think, I'll never be happy without him in my life. I know how ridiculous this sounds, considering, I've NEVER MET the guy. But you have to understand, this is the person who I send poetry to that I never show to anyone else after I write it. This is the person I trust more than I trust you or anybody else reading this. This is the person who I think of as my closest friend in the world.

And that's the problem. So I finally told my therapist, today, that this has become a problem for me again, lately. I told her this person is not the least bit interested in ever even meeting me, that this person lives with his child and his girlfriend and they are about to have another baby together, and this person and I have absolutely no communication that would indicate this person is interested in ME at all (not in the past ten years anyway). I told her that, despite these facts, I think about this person every day and I think things that are delusional.

My therapist told me to stop writing to him. I find that EXTREMELY difficult to do, because, as has been mentioned here previously, I have not a lot of people in my life who I talk to about things, and I get very isolated and lonely. However, I think my therapist is giving me wise advice, which, I am going to try to take.

What I would like to know from you is, if you can relate to this problem at all, and if so what have you done about it? Any feedback is appreciated!

So, for now, I might end up writing more here, because I no longer have the person I can talk to about anything with, and that makes things harder. I am already having some troubles with not sleeping, and that makes things harder too. I am getting really behind in my college coursework, and basically failing my Algebra class. That is distressing me. And I haven't managed to find a job. So that's a problem. Then today, of all days, my menstrual cycle hit, for the first time in like six months (I have Endometriosis), so my hormones are out of wack too. So this is a precarious time for me, and to be quite honest with you, I am not sure how I am going to manage it without having my friend to talk to about things. I already feel very alone. But thanks for listening.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I can relate to your romantic delusions, but for me I was deluded about a rock star who I had absolutely no contact with. I thought I was telepathically connected to him and that I was meant to be with him and have a child with him. Eventually the rock star morphed into a serial killer. Then after my third psychotic break I asked the voices if I could let go of this delusion and they said YES.

    As usual you have great insight into your delusion, but the fact that you have had an online relationship with this man will make it harder to detach from the delusion. But I think you can as long as you remain honest with yourself and your therapist and here. Maybe think of the delusion as an addiction, then find your triggers, write them down and try to avoid them. Writing here in place of writing to him is a good idea.

    Romantic delusions are so seductive and deceptive and, unfortunately, so pervasive in our society. I've come to believe that there is no Mr. Right, there is no quick fix. But many books and songs and films will deny that reality. Be careful not to choose to read or listen to or watch things that are overly romantic for a while because they can be triggers to the delusion.

    I respect your courage to write about this delusion despite your discomfort. You're on the right road.


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