Sunday, February 03, 2008

Being Alone

I am scared of being alone. I have this horrible feeling I am going to be alone forever. This is probably because of my past history with being alone.

I spent a great deal of time by myself before I met my ex-boyfriend. When I got sick, I was alone all the time, which added to my symptoms. I did go on some dates, and sometimes dated somebody for a few months, but I had no serious relationships with anyone. I had friends online who were my closest friends, but after I got sick they stopped talking to me. So I was alone, a lot.

This is a problem, because I know that when I'm alone I get more symptomatic. I have more problems when there's no one there to talk to and nobody to go places with.

Though I am more alone now, I have been keeping busy. I spend a lot of time with my best friend these days, and I have one other friend I sometimes go out with. I see my family sometimes too. I talk to people on the phone every day, though, this isn't the same as living with someone and having someone be there all the time. There is not an easy replacement for an intimate relationship.

When I am alone I get depressed, and I get disorganized. I feel less motivated when I'm alone. When someone is there, it motivates me more. I find it easier to handle my illness and the associated problems when I have somebody I'm living with.

When I'm alone, and I know this from experience, I tend to hear voices more, and that's a problem. I am afraid this will happen again now, though, since I've been out of the hospital it has not been happening, thank goodness or goddess or whatever for that.

I also just have the normal reactions to a break-up which make a person think they're going to be alone forever, that they are not normal or up to par because they are no longer in a relationship, that it is going to be too hard to ever meet someone else again, etc....and I know that these are normal thoughts and feelings which will pass with time. I guess....

1 comment:

fireflame said...

You touch on alot of subjects I can completely relate too being lonely is one of the worst hurdles I deal with.

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