Saturday, February 09, 2008

alone time

I find myself feeling rather overwhelmed by my apartment. It is a mess, and I cannot find it within myself to clean the mess, because it overwhelms me every time I start. I have a lot of trouble with organization, and I think this is part of schizophrenia. It was part of the reason why I ended up quitting my job, because I became so disorganized, I started making a lot of errors that eventually caught up with me, and I was going to end up being fired for it if I didn't quit first. So I quit.

I wonder if other people with Schizophrenia have this trouble with organization, and from some of the things I have read, I think some do, but not all. If you have any feedback on this, I would be interested to hear it.

I have been playing around on the computer lately, on a personal page I put up with my real name, pictures, etc, just for fun. I think fun is important in life, and if one is not having any fun, one can easily become depressed. Sometimes I need a creative outlet as well, even a silly one. I think everyone needs that.

SARK is a writer I admire and she wrote a book I have called, Inspiration Sandwich. It's really a great book and, like in all her books, she encourages people to do creative things. She gives excellent advice. I recommend her books highly; they are in the self-improvement section of major bookstores.

The person who first told me about SARK was named Alisun, and she was my closest friend for years. She stopped talking to me after I became sick and I started saying things that were paranoid, delusional, illogical and wacky. It hurt me a great deal that she cut me off, but two of my other close friends did the same thing. Only one stuck by me, an online friend who still keeps in touch with me to this day and is a great inspiration as she is an incredible human being. And one other one, who is also an online friend, stayed in touch as well. So I have two old friends from the internet; I have known them eleven years this year. I have never met either one of them, but they are close friends in a way that is hard to explain. I have told them a lot of personal things, and they listened. Sometimes you need a friend who will just listen. Sometimes in the past, I relied on people to listen too much though, and that's why they no longer wanted to be my friend. I began to overwhelm them with my problems.

I can understand why those people were confused by the things I was saying a few years ago. I thought I was being followed, mind-controlled, programmed, videotaped, recorded, etc., and I thought this was real. I thought that I had been sexually abused as a child, but not just by one person but by several people, and then I thought that I had been ritualistically abused by some Satanic cult, and then I thought that the Masons were currently taking me to the Masonic temple to rape me at night. I thought this because I was Schizophrenic, not because any of it actually happened. But my friends didn't know what was going on, and they just decided they did not want to hear my bizarre situations anymore. So they told me they wanted nothing to do with me anymore, in two cases, and in one other case, just stopped talking to me and disappeared from the internet, which was where I had met them all. One other friend also disappeared for a while but I recently got back in touch with her, which is nice, because she said she is glad to hear from me, and it is the first time she has responded to me in years.

Now, I have friends, but they are people who know about mental illness and understand it from personal experience. I don't have a lot of other friends, who don't understand. I don't make a lot of friends. I'm not feeling sorry for myself by making this st atement; it's just a fact. I've always been very shy and insecure, so I never had a lot of friends in my life. Also, isolation is a major aspect of having Schizophrenia, and many people, from what I have read, who have Schizophrenia, do not have a lot of friends. Many prefer to remain alone. Sometimes, when your brain does confusing things, it's easier to be alone than to have to worry all the time about how someone else is going to interpret your behavior, or if you tell them about your reality, how they are going to respond. Sometimes, it's easier to not be reminded that you are something other than "normal", by being around people who do not understand you at all. So sometimes, it's easier to just be alone.

I find that I get lonely though, and I find this especially now that I am without the boyfriend who used to live with me. Last night I went out with my friend Kathy, and today I went to visit my friend Kristyn, and I have been spending a lot of time online lately as well. This fills some of the empty time.

What strikes me about being alone is that it is hard for me to motivate myself when I'm alone, compared to when I have someone else around. For whatever reason, I find it very hard to structure my day well when I'm alone, and much easier to do things that need to get done when somebody else is there. I'm not a lazy person, but I get distracted by the internet and books or watching TV or whatever, when I am alone, and I don't accomplish as much of what I need to do as I do when there is somebody else because having someone else there makes you accountable for how you spend your time. This is something I have to work on.

If anyone can relate to this, please let me know.

1 comment:

Wanderer62 said...

Hi Beautiful Mind,

I really appreciate your honesty and the intelligent and sensitive way you are going about dealing with your illness. You have learned a lot and are teaching a lot. Thank you.

I, too, have great problems cleaning and organizing my home and I know it is due to the schizophrenia because I used to be keep a clean and organized house before I got ill. It's very frustrating. But this year my depression has begun to lift and I've been able to clean more than in the past. I find that if I know someone will be coming over that I can get motivated enough to clean and organize.

I'm afraid I have not been a good friend to an online friend who recently suffered from a psychotic break (she is bi-polar) and is now in the hospital. I began redeveloping some psychotic symptoms around the time that she did and as is my tendency I started withdrawing from personal contact. Now, I'm trying to reverse that trend, but I'm still struggling. I've been wondering if I have the capacity to be a good friend. But I'm not going to give up. When I see myself making mistakes, I will acknowledge them, apologize to anyone I have hurt and work on trying to change myself.

I spend most of my time alone, especially now in wintertime (I feel like I'm hibernating), but I don't feel lonely, just a little too detached which is not good. I know part of why I withdraw from people is because of all the weight I've put on since I began taking the anti-psychotic meds, but I know that that is a lame excuse to not connect with others.

Thanks again for writing in this blog. Don't give up on it. I'm comforted by your words and perspective.

One other thing, how did you go about starting a support group? I know I have to try to do the same thing because I am drifting too far away from people still. Also I know some people in my community would really benefit from a group. Is your group affiliated with any organization like NAMI or Schizophrenics Anonymous or did you do it on your own? And how do you organize your meeting? I am so impressed with you for starting a group. I'm still afraid to reach out to others in my community. More stuff to work on...

Peace,

Kate

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