Insomnia strikes again. I'm not sure if it's the Abilify I just started taking again, or whatever is going on in my brain, but I cannot sleep at all. It is 4:18 A.M. right now.
I hate insomnia. That's probably a universal sentiment.
I hate loneliness too. I am prone to that lately. It comes with break-ups, I know. I have a little manual from Borders called, It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken. This is the best book I've read in a long time, stupid though it may sound. It demands a manditory 60 day he-tox (as in "detox") for all readers. So you are not supposed to see or talk to the ex-boyfriend for two months. I have already broken that rule, since he called looking for some mail, and I let myself be friendly and have a conversation, which seemed okay at the time, but according to my book, is definitely a no-no. He wants to be friends and have coffee. I'm not sure I'm up for that, and I don't drink coffee. (I'm also really overtired and cranky right now!).
I am, however, proud of myself for getting through a couple brief phone calls with him without falling apart or getting emotional at all. I just looked at it like, hey, I don't hate him, so we can chat for a minute, and then the minute is up, and life will go on. I don't want to go back to him, nor does he have any desire to return to me, so there is not much to be upset about except the past. And the past is behind me, dammit!! I am not going to allow myself to waste time looking back.
I can't help but be lonely though. In the middle of the night when somebody is missing from your bedroom and you can't sleep at all, it's hard not to be lonely. I have exhausted all my resources recently, calling every friend I have multiple times and they have been helpful. Then again, I don't have a lot of friends, so that doesn't make for too much time. I have always had a hard time making friends because I'm insecure and shy, and also, friends I did have all disappeared when I developed Schizoaffective Disorder.
I had a group of really close girlfriends. We called ourselves a garden, which was my friend Ali's idea, and we all had flower names we gave ourselves. We stayed in touch for years, even though we met online and some of us never met in person. We all had similar physical illnesses. Then I became psychotic, and said friends dropped away like flies, one by one. This makes me sad now, when I think about it. I miss them. I still have one who keeps in touch with me, and she is a great friend and always has been. And I understand the reasons why the other ones disappeared. I wasn't always easy to put up with! I know that! It's hard to be easy to put up with when you're psychotic, you know. And unfortunately, I was psychotic for a while before I got properly diagnosed and treated (years).
And by the time I got diagnosed my friends were gone. I need to think of a way to make new friends.
But just so you know I know you're out there, thanks for reading Ken and Kate! I appreciated your comments. Thanks for coming by.
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