Tuesday, February 27, 2007

loneliness and a poem for today

I have been feeling really lonely lately.
I think the worst kind of loneliness is the kind that happens even when you're not alone. That's the kind I've been experiencing. I feel disconnected from other people, like no one really knows me or understands me. Like I have no friends. In truth, I have very few friends, and the ones I have are more like acquaintences. I've never been very good at making friends. The friends I've had the longest are two people on the internet who I've emailed with for years and never met.

Professor B. was my English Comp. instructor about ten years ago. I kept in touch with him via email all these years, through many twists and turns in life and in my mind. So he knows quite a bit about me, about the perceptual problems and about the fact I love poetry.
He suggested I check out Mary Oliver. And I love this poem, so I wanted to share it:
Wild Geese
I like what it says about loneliness and despair.

Saturday, February 24, 2007


This is the first time I've posted here in over a year. That's surprising. I had sort of forgotten about this blog and also figured it would no longer exist. But here it is.

In case anyone stops by, here is an update on the past year:

I moved out of the group home I was living in, and into an apartment that has a low rent because it is owned by a mental health organization. I live here with my boyfriend who I've been dating since October 2005. I got a job, working for an agency that provides services for people with disabilities, and I like my job.

I stopped hearing secret language and voices. Stopped. Completely. Because my medication worked.

I got a bit plump, which is terrible for my self-esteem but which happened because most anti-psychotics cause weight gain. I just recently went off the Risperdal Consta injections because of the forty pound weight gain, and switched to another antipsychotic called Abilify. So I'm in the middle of a medication adjustment right now, which means things are a little shaky.

I went back to college, taking one class this semester.

Every week I go to therapy and talk for an hour mostly about the things I used to talk about here. Or at least partially.

Some things changed, some did not. I still spend a lot of time feeling isolated and lonely. I only really have one friend who just moved far away, and even with her I don't talk about my illness much at all.

I still hide it a lot. Nobody at my job knows I have schizophrenia. They, even though they work to help people with disabilities, do not understand mental illness much, for the most part.

I work just part time, twenty hours a week so I don't make too much money to lose my disability benefits which would mean losing my healthcare. I also don't think that I could work more than twenty hours a week right now. That's unfortunate. I wish that were not the case. At the same time, working twenty hours a week is a lot more than I used to be able to do. And next month, I'll have been at my job for one solid year. I'm proud of that.

I'll write more sometime.