Friday, March 09, 2007

a suicide attempt - but not mine

A few days ago, after my last post, my boyfriend overdosed. He left me a note on the bedroom door and took a bunch of pills, went to the bedroom, and locked it. I came home to find this situation, and ever since have been preoccupied with getting him the help he needs. Also, I have managed to be confident enough in myself that I was able to tell him he cannot live here unless he gets treatment for drug abuse and sees a psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder. He has agreed to do these things, so he'll be coming home tomorrow.

I have a lot of experience with suicidality and with hospitals. The particular hospital he is in now is one where I have been on more than one occassion and stayed, the last time, for quite a while for being very suicidal (and very psychotic) myself. So I get it, and while I know that in part this was a manipulative act done to make sure that he was not really kicked out of the apartment (and in that sense it worked), in part it was also the desperate act of someone severely depressed and in need of help who does not know how or want to ask for it directly. So now he is getting help, which is a beneficial outcome of all of this.

It has been interesting visiting him in the hospital ward where I was once captive myself, and being able, this time, to come and go freely, having the doors unlocked to let me out after visitation time is over. I've never been the "visitor" before; I've always been the "patient". It has been a bit empowering, I think, to experience the entering, sitting in, and leaving this unit where I was sure I was being tortured and raped during my psychotic episodes when I was there a couple of years ago. It is, actually, a good unit as far as psychiatric units go, and I'm glad he has been there for a few days.

He'll be coming home tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, I've started taking Invega, a new antipsychotic, and we'll see how that goes too.


  1. Hi Beautiful Mind, thanks for stopping by on my blog. I'm glad to have found you.

    How's it going with your boyfriend? I wish he hadn't done that, it really was unfair to you, puts so much pressure on you to take care of him. It's a very good thing that he's getting help but be sure to take care of yourself and your needs first.

    When I was younger I was a bit of a feminist too, I guess I still am I just haven't been doing the reading.
    I, too, like Adrienne Rich's poetry but haven't read her for a while. Before I became psychotic I was in a five year relationship with an abusive alcoholic and boy, did I change from a feminist into a bit of a doormat. Now, years later, you've reminded me to pay attention to what some feminist have to say. Thanks for that.

    I look forward to reading you blog, so I'll be around!

    Take care,

    Kate : )

  2. Wow, is this the same girl I used to read about who had no control over her life? While I am truly sorry your boyfriend is in that situation but very proud of how far you have come during the past 2 years.

    Sometimes as hard as it is you have to say goodbye to a person like him when they threaten to drag you down with them.

    Stay strong and yes, I've been reading your posts all along. As some of my recent posts show, things have been rather sad here as well and I've drawn into myself awhile to handle them.


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