Thursday, March 01, 2007

awakening

If there is a Satan he laughs every time some person suffering from insomnia drags they're tired butt out of bed and feigns being awake to get on with their day. I've had insomnia my whole life, but it was better because of the Klonopin I take every night with Anafranil (an anti-anxiety pill and an antidepressant). Now that I'm off the antipsychotic shot and taking an antipsychotic pill instead (Abilify), insomnia is back with a vengeance, as that's a side effect of this pill.

So, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.

I get up (noticing it's 2 AM) and go to the kitchen to make my boyfriend's lunch for him to take to work tomorrow. Standing there I think about the guy I worked with a couple of years ago who said his girlfriend made his lunch every day and how I laughed and said something like, "so what's wrong with your arms that you can't do it yourself?". I never thought I would be a girlfriend who would make somebody's lunch (and dinner) every day, but I am now.

I wish I could say this is just because I love him, that I want to do these things. But it's more like because I need him, and he wants me to do these things. I feel safer with him. Not that long ago, living alone, I was plagued with terrifying delusions and an intense desire to learn a proper method of killing myself so that I could end the horrors every day brought to my mind. My therapist thinks that from this time period I developed post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) because my delusions were so frightening. I believe she's probably right. So, although I'm a feminist, and although I do think about the fact that there is nothing wrong with his arms or legs and no reason why he can't prepare food for himself, I find that the times when I lie down with him on the couch and he puts his arm around me, and I feel safe - somehow those times make the effort worthwhile.

Somehow having another person with me makes me think it's less likely I'll fall into neverneverland again. I think that having someone with whom you can check reality by looking at them and saying, "hey, they're not afraid of going to a concentration camp tomorrow, maybe I'm not really going to one", having someone with whom you can bounce off your thoughts - well I think that helps. I also feel that it makes me more "normal" and socially acceptable, and that this is somehow safer, which is probably a thought related to my old delusions when I believed that having a mental illness and being "abnormal" and always alone were reasons I was going to be killed.

If you are interested in the terror that can be brought on by delusional thoughts, the early posts from the beginning of this blog can give you an example of what it's like. It's horrifying - at least in my experience, because my particular delusions were pretty horrifying and definitely unpleasant.

So, I am in a bit of a conundrum now. I find that I'm living with this person who, much of the time, I can't relate to, and who, much of the time, doesn't really treat me as well as he should, doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, and doesn't have enough respect for me as a human being. Yet I need to feel safe. I am terrified of being alone again. Terrified because I remember what happened the last time I lived alone.

And so I put up with a lot of bullcrap that, especially as a feminist, I never thought I would put up with. I never thought someone who told me I needed to lose weight because I gained some pounds from taking antipsychotic medication was a person I'd want to be around. I never thought that I'd cook and clean and do laundry for a man. I never thought I'd sit in my bedroom so he could have the living room to himself watching television on a TV that I bought, as if he owns the place. But I find myself doing these things.

And I feel trapped. I feel like there is no way out of this situation, and I don't know quite what to do.

2 comments:

skizomatic said...

excellent blogs. nice one.

rilomanuel said...

Feel free to contact me anytime you need somebody to talk. I feel sorry that your guy did not appreciate all the efforts you put in the relationship. What wait for tomorrow, something good is going to appear in your live.
If you are feeling sad go outside for a walk, and watch people doing everyday's things it helps.
I think you are very special and you have a lot of courage, continue doing, girl.
manu

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails