Wednesday, December 28, 2005

deteriorating again

My boyfriend went out of state for ten days, I think the medication I"m taking is not working so well anymore, I'm having some problems with my brain that I don't think I can take much more of........but I try. Smile. Talk to mother on phone. Listen to all her problems I cannot solve. Smile. Be nice to roommates even when they are hateful and violent people sometimes. Worry about normal things like my car needing tires and the fact that I cannot concentrate to read enough to go back to college. Smile. Send cards to people. Try not to worry about abnormal thingsi like thinking I"m being sent to a concentration camp, people can read minds, people are about to die, people are sending secret messages with their words, license plates have secret messages....No, no, no, don't think about that. I'm supposed to be BETTER now.

I don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps that is why the thought and the bloody images of shooting myself are always there and are too much to ignore. I really don't know what the hell else to do.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

medication has limited effects

Medications where I live are an event that happens several times a day. I am wondering right now how effective they actually are in relieving the symptoms they are meant to curb, and how ineffective they as far as allowing me to feel like my regular, non-medicated self.

I don't laugh as much or cry as much as a person not on these meds might, as I myself not on these meds might. They make me tired, they make me hungry all the time, and they tend to make me feel flat as a pancake (flat affect this is called, and it is a known product of some medications). I take about 15 pills a day now.

I don't like my medications much. I just looked at this writing from last May, from before I tried to go and shoot myself (when I was still making the plans for that), and it makes me sad to think that I still feel some of the same feelings now as I did then, when I was on no medications most of the time, and before I went through this long punishment that I am s till in the midst of for the fact that I wanted to shoot myself and came close to doing so. I am also a bit annoyed at the fact that all the time, every day, right now, and for months, I still, despite this whole mess, continue to think about shooting myself. And in fact, I think rather than help relieve this urge, the circumstances I live in which are part of a supposedly helpful situation actually increase those thoughts a great deal.

So I'm doing okay on the outside, on the surface all looks fine. Inside is a different story. And I wish that I had something far better than this to write about at the moment, but unfortunately this is all that comes to mind.

However, I can say that the problems with such obvious delusional thoughts that I had back in May, and many, many, many of them all the time, have gone. I do not still believe that I am pregnant or headed for concentration camp life as I did then. I am able to say that, and able to look at those thoughts and tell myself, "no, that is not real, not true, look away"...but this is not to say the thoughts are gone completely. They peak around bends in my mind as if to say "come back, come back" and it takes so much energy, all day and every day to repeatedly tell them, no no, no. I think that now the reason I do have so many thoughts of death by ammunition is simply that I am really sick of living like this, living with these thoughts, and feeling quite hopeless about them ever going away, and not knowing, for sure, that they are really not real in the first place. It's tiring. This is what it means to be psychotic and know that you are. It's pretty damn annoying.

various quotes and lyrics

Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
- Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb"

What a lay me down this is
with two pink, two orange,
two green, two white goodnights.
Now I'm borrowed.
Now I'm numb.
-Anne Sexon, from Live or Die,and Selected Poems, Houghton Mifflin, 1988

I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality -
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was

- Sylvia Plath, "In Plaster", 1961; from The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath; HarperPerennial, 1981

"I'm just afraid I'm gonna miss it all...."
-Karen Carpenter, to her therapist; from The Carpenters: The Untold Story, An Authorized Autobiography, Ray Coleman; HarperCollins, 1994

We will reach the day because of the nature of the movement that we have in which women will be sharing space in the political arena side by side with men to make a better world, not only for women, but for men, women and children. We will be making space in every single institution, national, international, regional and local in which we find that men and women do not share power equally.
- Bella Abzug from a speech at the United Nations just before her death

My struggle was always against
an inner darkness: I carry within myself
the only known keys
to my death - to unlock life, or close it shut
forever. A woman who loves wood grains, the color
And the sun, I am happy to fight

all outside murderers
as I see I must.
-Alice Walker, from "On Stripping Bark from Myself