Saturday, November 19, 2005

To be

I'm being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow.......

Anyone know that old song? Well I like it, and there is this part about his mouth and "if I lost all my teeth, north and south" how he would go on. This is inspiring when you mouth is full of decaying teeth and teeth that will probably just have to be pulled out because you have no way to financially afford to get them repaired.

I'm serious, and I know this sounds silly, but I'm female and human and so my appearance matters to me; ending up with a bunch of missing teeth is a fate that depresses me. I've already had a few pulled, which started in the back, where nobody sees, but recently one was closer to the front. I'm self conscious about that and upset about the other teeth that need root canals I'll never be able to get.

It is little things like this that can make one feel closer to the edge. I mean, you take a thing like this, a small problem, pile on top of a mountain of other problems both small and gigantic, and from this you have formed your mountain impossible to climb.

Silly, isn't it? I guess that this is really what life is all about, and perhaps why some people give up on life, because they don't like this whole deal much.

I don't like it much myself. I feel kind of unfit amongst people who don't seem to mind the deal at all, or who seem to have managed to exist with their mountains in a manner I was too stupid or tired to think of myself. This is a horrifying amount of self pity to admit I actually possess, but I suppose I feel like I should admit it. I know that there are so many other people who feel this way, I am definitely not alone. It's just that nobody who is suicidal usually admits that they feel this way.

They would usually not mention the teeth problem.

That's precisely why I am mentioning it.

We once, when I was younger, had a cat I named Moonshadow. That's a damn good song.

I was thinking of writing a note to just say a list of the problems and say, I am sorry I could not find the strength or perseverence to deal with those cards I get dealt anymore, I am now checking out of the game, see you in my next life.

A suicide not, I mean. I just think about death quite frequently, so it's not odd to me to be thinking about various versions of notes one could write. Please understand, if you haven't read this whole blog, my actual problems are far more problematic than the tooth problem alone. Should teeth be my only problem, I'd probably be one very happy chica, but such is not the case (nor is it the case for much of the population, I know, I know).

So to be would mean, then, that you figure out how to live without your teeth and not hate yourself or decide to think that you have no possible way of surviving or that nobody could ever find you attractive again. I guess.

I might have to end up like that. I'm usually not really interested in thinking about the future, because I find the thought of simply being too terrifying. I generally think (and you know, a doctor and some other people have said they think this about me) that I'll end up dead by suicide at some point. That might be true. Nevertheless I can try to do something of worth while still alive. I feel like talking to whoever is reading this might be worthwhile, if for only the act of explaining why one individual thinks about death so frequently. So I suppose I won't delete it yet. Also it's just nice to let people know that those with a mental illness label are still human and can have many varying thoughts inside them, and can be intelligent enough to know how to describe themselves as humans rather than to just lie down and wait to die.

Then again, I want to make clear here that I don't get suicidal just because of normal life problems. I really do know that, for me, there is a chemical imbalance of some sort in my brain, and the reason I know this is that I was having severely delusional thoughts for quite a while in the past few years which were only chased away by medication. I heard voices that were not there at some point. I believed, and was terrified of, many horrorific things that don't exist. I was quite out of reality.

I don't think that I would have smashed a car into the side of a very high bridge, hoping to get over the edge, bought a gun and learned to shoot it in order to put an exploding bullet into my brain stem, or tried to kill myself inside of a hospital psyhiatric ward if I did not have the severely delusional thoughts in my head at the time.

On the same note, right now I'm keeping myself alive, not by medication alone, but by a lot of effort that goes into fighting away those thoughts every time they try to creep back into my mind (*which is every day), basically all the time.

It's sort of like having to live in more realities than one at once. There is the reality that you and I both experience, whereby you are at a computer reading this writing which I am typing, and then behind that every day life type of reality is my other stuff, the terrors you don't see, the baby I supposedly am carrying, the concentration camps that supposedly exist, the dozens of other things and with them, right along with them are the graphic visions of bloody scenes involving myself and the desire to anihilate myself and the ways and means by which to do so.

So that's inside me all the time, and it takes a constant, and often and increasingly difficult amount of energy to remain in this "real" time and space and push those thoughts out of my mind. Pushing them all the time really gets to be aggravating. But that's what it means for me to be now. To not be would certainly be much easier. And every day I have to decide will I keep going along and being or will I just give up on all this garbage and take an eternal break.

It's difficult in a way I really can't even begin to eplain adequately. But I hope that I can explain it to a degree that makes you understand in some capacity, because I know that I am not the only person who has to live like this, that there are others who have and who do not have the same psychiatric labels and live like this, all day, every day. If you've seen the movie, A Beautiful Mind, I relate most to John Nash in the sections toward the end where you see him pushing the hallucinations out of his mind. Medications don't always do that - I mean completely do it. So I've been told that it is sometimes the way people with my label have to live all their lives.

I don't know that this is a worthwhile way to live. I just know that today I'm doing it again, and for now today is all I can think about.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

if anyone is reading this

I haven't written lately because real life has taken priority, and also because of little internet access.

At the moment, all I can say is summed up by telling you I'm just not doing very well right now.

Sorry this is a lousy post.