Tuesday, September 20, 2005

anti-war and racism protests....

The policies of my government, the actions taken, and many of its foreign relations (if you can call them that) make me sick.

If you live in the United States and feel any disgust about the Bush administration, this Saturday, take a sign and join a few thousand others who feel the "war on Iraq" and occupation of it needs to end. I personally think the famous quote about how the greatest evil there is occurs when good people do nothing is quite true.

This blog is not really about my political viewpoints at all, but I was involved and would like to be again, when I get out of confinement, in activism against the war on Iraq and other issues, so I just wanted to let the readers know that United for Peace and Justice - a coalition of some wonderful organizations - will be holding, this week in Washington D.C., a large protest. Meanwhile other local groups in areas around the U.S. are, as usual, joining in by showing their affinity through local actions taken at the same time.

If I wasn't in the situation I'm in, I'd be involved in this a bit so I'd just wanted to let you know that there are ways to be involved. I also feel that this hurricane Katrina disaster relief has been a bit of a disaster itself because of the fact that 70% of the people in New Orleans have black skin, and there are some racists running this country who don't much care to really help them.

Just my opinion.

Here is the UFPJ website.

Have a fabulous, peaceful day, friends.

Friday, September 09, 2005

the mental health system and being a caged animal

I was listening to something I tape recorded the other day. When I recorded it, I thought for sure I'd be dead within 24 hours, and this was to be the last message I left behind, for my family or whoever heard it. I realized listening to this, that I had some important things to say that are still in me now, which I'm not sure I've said here yet. So I'd like to write more here about some thoughts on being suicidal, on the mental health system, and human dignity.

What I've experienced in life is that when one is labeled with a mental illness, one is thereafter treated, firstly, like a mentally ill person. This becomes extremely detrimental when you are, say, sick, physically, and you go to a doctor's office or hospital, or you talk about the fact that you're sick physically with someone who ought to care. To be considered "psychocomatic" it to be told, not only do you have no chance of getting help with illness that is physically affecting you, but also, you're considered to be making it all up, and you have no credentials to discuss what is going on with your own body because your brain is disturbed.

Well, screw that. That entire phenomenon has led me to want to die more often than you might imagine, and the point is, I'm not the only person who feels like this. I'd like to let people know that you can indeed have a psychiatric illness and be very physically ill at the same time. Accordingly, a physical illness can also lead a person into deep depression, especially if it becomes debilitating and affects the person's entire life.

Writing this is difficult because I am so upset, so angry and so disgusted with the mental health system and with society at large for not recognizing this basic logic. I've come really close to death, and I want people who read this to understand that there are quite a few human beings out there who may be a bit confused, may even be psychotic, but may also know damn well what they're talking about when they say they are phsycially ill. And it wouldn't really hurt to simply believe them.

On the same token, I am quite upset about the way human beings who are legitimately sick with a psychiatric disease are "treated". You know where I live right now, I really have a life more akin to being a prisoner who commited some crimes to people other than my own self than a life that might be expected from someone in a "treatment" program. And what bothers me, more than anything, is that this is what I knew would happen if I did not go ahead and pull the trigger and blow my brains out like I almost did on May 20th of this year. I knew it, and I tape recorded my own self stating it, and I got caught before I could shoot myself after a few more events that day. I predicted before it happened something very like what has happened: long-term confinement, the vanishing of many civil rights I supposedly have as an American citizen, the labeling, the condescening, and down right rude and nasty attitudes, the people in charge treating me like an imbecile and infant, and the crappy overall conditions of where I am at.

The loss of freedoms, from the most basic freedoms like the right to go to the toilet without a staff person watching you do it, to the simple ones like the locks on all the doors, which you don't have key two but someone who knows nothing about your illness does have the keys to......to being confined in "group homes", to losing your job, to losing your car, to losing your friends.....is simply not right, is unfair, and does nothing to promote any healing or recovery from a mental illness. It does damage, and is not helpful.

Right now, I look perfectly normal. I'm typing on a library computer, and I am dressed and have on a little make up, and can conduct coversations on a multitude of subjects, and can type a decent 70 words per minute, and am a well-rounded, intelligent woman with opinions, hopes, dreams, disappointments........in other words I'm human. I resent being treated as something less than human, as someone who is defective, as someone who cannot be trusted with the basic handling of her own life, and as someone who is stupid, and as a child. I really resent it, I'm really tired of it, and what bothers me is that this is the way mental health systems are designed all over the U.S. This is the way I see people treated all the time. And this is somethnig that I have wanted, very much, to avoid being part of, even if the avoidance involved dying instead of seeking "help".

Since I didn't die, I'm here, treated this way, and I will be honest and say that every single day of these months I have thought of death and some part of me would much rather go out that way than continue living like this. I wanted to make that clear on a tape recorder, when I was sitting on the bathroom floor of my little studio apartment, with a bible, some candles, and a loaded .357 magnum back in May, on a very unfortunate day of my life; I also want to make that clear now, because these basic feelings have not changed inside me, because the girl who sat there with the gun may have been delusional about a number of other things but she was damn right about this.

Friday, September 02, 2005

How things are in my little life now

Things are frustrating me and I find some times like this difficult to write about. Actually, thinking back to when I started this blog, I suppose the confusion starts now with just picking a topic to discuss. I'm not prone to wanting to really drone on about my problems or even my life very long online. There are far more important things to discuss.

Yet, at the same time, I think most people will find this place, particularly with it's title and with the way all the early posts are written, a place where they expect someone to be discussing her problems and her life, and perhaps I'm obligated to at least explain how things are progressing now.

So I'll do that for the moment. Basically you can call it whatever you want, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, or just oddness; I hate labels, but I'm in a situation now where my own government doesn't give me the choice to not accept the mental illness label and still have any chance of obtaining freedom and utilizing some of the civil rights we supposedly have here. I can't leave the long term county facility that I was sentenced to by a judge (for wanting to die and being psychotic; the two being quite connected, by the way since being called psychotic for the rest of my life is one reason I often do want to die, and I recall very well when I was never considered psychotic at all, so that's also part of the problem, since it's not as though I was that way my whole life and I don't know the difference), to live in and be confined to unless I agree to go to what they call group homes here.

You see the problem with this is I don't think it's right at all to force me after months of hospitalization and confinement into another form of confinement like a group home which are mostly filled, in this area, with people who are far less about to 'function', as the mental health people call it, than I am, and I think it's unfair that the entire reason being used to push me into such a living situation for another six to nine months is that I had bought a gun and was going to shoot myself due to various reasons for being unhappy and a bit out of it, several months ago.

At the same time, yes, I thought that there was a baby inside me that was never there, I thought more things that were not real than I'd ever care to discuss online, and I know very well that I was not myself at that time. I'm more myself now, though, so what I'd rather do is move into an apartment again and try to live like a more free person, a person who gets a bit more respect and experiences a bit more of the "normalcy" (for lack of a better word), of day to day life.

So that's what I'm bummed out about.

There is much more to say, but I'll have to come back and add some things here, as part of the confinement I'm living in involves trips to libraries that allow internet access, which are currently the only time I am able to get online......

Also, I'm putting the websites I used to run, Feminst Resources for Women and Girls, and Sick Chicks and Twisted Sisters, back online, but when I will be able to work on them is another story. I just don't want them to be lost.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

the mercy of the fallen

Thanks for taking the 'lil self-info quiz, folks.

I like reading about other people's various interests sometimes.........

O mentioned Dar Williams. I love her album The Beauty of the Rain quite a bit. The Mercy of the Fallen is a great song.

Here you can read some lyrics to Dar songs

Here's a place to donate to the Red Cross if you've been watching news about Katrina or care about hurricane victims

I have much more to say and don't feel like there is a way to put the thoughts into words right now......... that will be another post.