medication has limited effects

Medications where I live are an event that happens several times a day. I am wondering right now how effective they actually are in relieving the symptoms they are meant to curb, and how ineffective they as far as allowing me to feel like my regular, non-medicated self.

I don't laugh as much or cry as much as a person not on these meds might, as I myself not on these meds might. They make me tired, they make me hungry all the time, and they tend to make me feel flat as a pancake (flat affect this is called, and it is a known product of some medications). I take about 15 pills a day now.

I don't like my medications much. I just looked at this writing from last May, from before I tried to go and shoot myself (when I was still making the plans for that), and it makes me sad to think that I still feel some of the same feelings now as I did then, when I was on no medications most of the time, and before I went through this long punishment that I am s till in the midst of for the fact that I wanted to shoot myself and came close to doing so. I am also a bit annoyed at the fact that all the time, every day, right now, and for months, I still, despite this whole mess, continue to think about shooting myself. And in fact, I think rather than help relieve this urge, the circumstances I live in which are part of a supposedly helpful situation actually increase those thoughts a great deal.

So I'm doing okay on the outside, on the surface all looks fine. Inside is a different story. And I wish that I had something far better than this to write about at the moment, but unfortunately this is all that comes to mind.

However, I can say that the problems with such obvious delusional thoughts that I had back in May, and many, many, many of them all the time, have gone. I do not still believe that I am pregnant or headed for concentration camp life as I did then. I am able to say that, and able to look at those thoughts and tell myself, "no, that is not real, not true, look away"...but this is not to say the thoughts are gone completely. They peak around bends in my mind as if to say "come back, come back" and it takes so much energy, all day and every day to repeatedly tell them, no no, no. I think that now the reason I do have so many thoughts of death by ammunition is simply that I am really sick of living like this, living with these thoughts, and feeling quite hopeless about them ever going away, and not knowing, for sure, that they are really not real in the first place. It's tiring. This is what it means to be psychotic and know that you are. It's pretty damn annoying.