Wednesday, December 28, 2005

deteriorating again

My boyfriend went out of state for ten days, I think the medication I"m taking is not working so well anymore, I'm having some problems with my brain that I don't think I can take much more of........but I try. Smile. Talk to mother on phone. Listen to all her problems I cannot solve. Smile. Be nice to roommates even when they are hateful and violent people sometimes. Worry about normal things like my car needing tires and the fact that I cannot concentrate to read enough to go back to college. Smile. Send cards to people. Try not to worry about abnormal thingsi like thinking I"m being sent to a concentration camp, people can read minds, people are about to die, people are sending secret messages with their words, license plates have secret messages....No, no, no, don't think about that. I'm supposed to be BETTER now.

I don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps that is why the thought and the bloody images of shooting myself are always there and are too much to ignore. I really don't know what the hell else to do.


  1. Hey you,

    Twenty minutes have gone by and still I am pondering what you have said. Words come slow to me today as I struggle to find a starting point, the beginning of this paragraph’s road. I just don’t know what to say, how to respond to you sometimes, your snapshots of life are so intense, vividly real, the eyes are captured till the last full stop. An apt reply escapes me. Though there is silence all around, there is a beat to your thoughts, a tone that I hope to comprehend, a sound that reaches my ears like whispers in the wind. They say you want to smile without effort, without trying, to really smile the way you like, bubbling and running over. They say that even in laughter your heart still aches.

    You give to those who do not see how much you need them because they are blinded by their own troubles. The dilemma of a crushed spirit and the weight of troubling thoughts is a very difficult thing to bear, even for the strongest of those who have ever lived. Consider this post as a card, a reply to the one of the many you have sent. Lift up your head even amongst the tears you shed, even when you don’t know what to do anymore, amongst the hounding images. Though you feel tired of life and you don’t want to be where you are, because so many things aren’t right, the way you would like them, keep going. I want you to keep going, to keep running your race, don’t let someone push in on you. See, I’m cheering you on, in your race, you can do it, though your mussels are tired and heart is throbbing with pain.

    You are important, significant, valuable.
    Your life is a well that runs deep.


  2. I was wondering what to say... these lyrics came to mind

    When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
    When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
    Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

    Sometimes everything is wrong. now it’s time to sing along
    When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
    If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
    When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on

    ’cause everybody hurts. take comfort in your friends
    Everybody hurts. don’t throw your hand. oh, no. don’t throw your hand
    If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

    Everyone Hurts, REM

    The final sentence of OctaveOceans comment is the truth.

    Take care and try to keep going.



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