Thursday, October 06, 2005

free to waste away

What is freedom, really? I live in a country with so many freedoms, or at least, so many alleged freedoms, so much freedom to do and be and protest and a whole bunch of big, important legal documents, in fact an entire legal system, that supposedly is there to protect our freedom(s). We also have 2 millions people locked up in jails and prisons. We have an untold number of people locked inside a crumbling, half-assed mental health system, that allows people to lose years of their lives while their freedom to live as they wish to live is taken away, often with the sole purpose of this being to protect their ability to be alive, and have freedom. It's a bit twisted and illogical.

Freedom is a bit more than having nothing left to lose.

I have lost so much freedom over governing my own existence now, that I am starting to wonder what it really matters to have that elusive freedom available in the first place.

I am living in a group home now, locked inside a mammoth mental health system in which many people lose years of their lifetimes, lose themselves, lose so much more than one can imagine under that simplistic umbrella word "freedom".

I can perfectly understand, since I often feel this way myself, why people would rather be dead than to be "helped" in this manner.


  1. Hey Beautiful Mind, you hang in there as best you can. It must be hard. I’m not sure how I would handle it. I’ve just lost the freedom of using my right leg, for the time being, by tearing some ligaments and chipping part of the talar bone. I am so frustrated not being able to run, walk, jump and drive. In NZ we have ACC, which means the government is paying for taxis to take me to work amongst other things. I’m so grateful I can still go to work, the thought of hanging around home all day staring at my foot makes me cringe.

    I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have an institution restricting my movements. You hang in there Beautiful Mind. I’m sure you have a wonderful smile, may more happy times come your way. Your last sentence made me feel so sad.

    Best thoughts to you,
    Form across the Ocean.

  2. When things were really at there worst for me, I would tell myself to "wait 5 minutes, and maybe things would get better." If 5 minutes passed, and I still felt horrible, I would wait 5 more minutes.
    I have spent a lot of days, and weeks, and months, just getting through things 5 minutes at a time.
    Maybe you can (or already have) try this method?
    Maybe with enough 5 minutes you can survive the group home and get your life together a little more to your liking?
    You are a very passionate person and I would love to see you able to put that to good use once again.

  3. Where there is life, there is hope. Beautiful Mind, you have a good intellect and a lot of passion for freedom. You will conquer the present circumstances and be a stronger person for it. I believe that all of life is a learning experience, so I know that you will grow from having gone through this though it is a bad experience at the time. Open yourself to change and take charge of your life to the extent you can do so now. Keep the faith.


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