Friday, September 02, 2005

How things are in my little life now

Things are frustrating me and I find some times like this difficult to write about. Actually, thinking back to when I started this blog, I suppose the confusion starts now with just picking a topic to discuss. I'm not prone to wanting to really drone on about my problems or even my life very long online. There are far more important things to discuss.

Yet, at the same time, I think most people will find this place, particularly with it's title and with the way all the early posts are written, a place where they expect someone to be discussing her problems and her life, and perhaps I'm obligated to at least explain how things are progressing now.

So I'll do that for the moment. Basically you can call it whatever you want, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, or just oddness; I hate labels, but I'm in a situation now where my own government doesn't give me the choice to not accept the mental illness label and still have any chance of obtaining freedom and utilizing some of the civil rights we supposedly have here. I can't leave the long term county facility that I was sentenced to by a judge (for wanting to die and being psychotic; the two being quite connected, by the way since being called psychotic for the rest of my life is one reason I often do want to die, and I recall very well when I was never considered psychotic at all, so that's also part of the problem, since it's not as though I was that way my whole life and I don't know the difference), to live in and be confined to unless I agree to go to what they call group homes here.

You see the problem with this is I don't think it's right at all to force me after months of hospitalization and confinement into another form of confinement like a group home which are mostly filled, in this area, with people who are far less about to 'function', as the mental health people call it, than I am, and I think it's unfair that the entire reason being used to push me into such a living situation for another six to nine months is that I had bought a gun and was going to shoot myself due to various reasons for being unhappy and a bit out of it, several months ago.

At the same time, yes, I thought that there was a baby inside me that was never there, I thought more things that were not real than I'd ever care to discuss online, and I know very well that I was not myself at that time. I'm more myself now, though, so what I'd rather do is move into an apartment again and try to live like a more free person, a person who gets a bit more respect and experiences a bit more of the "normalcy" (for lack of a better word), of day to day life.

So that's what I'm bummed out about.

There is much more to say, but I'll have to come back and add some things here, as part of the confinement I'm living in involves trips to libraries that allow internet access, which are currently the only time I am able to get online......

Also, I'm putting the websites I used to run, Feminst Resources for Women and Girls, and Sick Chicks and Twisted Sisters, back online, but when I will be able to work on them is another story. I just don't want them to be lost.

4 comments:

Paul’s Thoughts said...

“Actually, thinking back to when I started this blog, I suppose the confusion starts now with just picking a topic to discuss. I'm not prone to wanting to really drone on about my problems or even my life very long online. There are far more important things to discuss.”

There appears to be a ripple beginning in your thoughts about the purpose of your blog, its primary nature and function in your life. This ripple started some time ago with the following comment. “Basically, if I intend to stay alive (please not the "if"), there is no point to using this blog, with this odd title, any longer.” The title of “Inside My Mind: at The End of Life” aligns itself with recording memories, thoughts, internal struggles while being pulled reluctantly towards death, a finality point. This point is now in question, which extends the horizon and means there has been a significant shift in thought, presently, that is now being expressed in “confusion” on picking a topic to discuss or if current personal struggles necessarily fit the blog ‘title’. Perhaps you need to examine why you are writing. Some write to exercise the whole of there being, that they may be able to listen to themselves, because it gets them back to their own true voice, to make thoughts palpable, because the page wants to catch tears, to have a meeting with oneself and to be heard by others, to be a record, a desire to see things the way they are, rant, political purpose, aesthetic enthusiasm and a billion other reasons. I for one am glad that you are still around, where your heart still beats and the mind able to dream at night.

“Yet, at the same time, I think most people will find this place, particularly with it's title and with the way all the early posts are written, a place where they expect someone to be discussing her problems and her life, and perhaps I'm obligated to at least explain how things are progressing now.”

"perhaps I’m obligated.” There is no perhaps about it. Given this blog is about you, you have no obligation, no contract duty, responsibility or hand binding you to a course where you must let us read about your problems. Forget expectations, you be you, the essential you, the you that has the freedom say and not to say. I care about this, I don’t want you writing to uphold external expectations, let me not be party to placing such a burden on you. If you want to retain the title, do so, but not so that it restrains, cramps, agitates, confuses, restricts or impedes what you really want to say. If change is necessary, warranted, desired, then change the title or stop the blog, or make a new blog, or even if you so desire take a break from blogging.

“I hate labels”.

The medical/phy profession has their reasons for labels encompassed a system of diagnoses and treatment. Yet, no one wants to be cornered by them, to have prejudice push and pull - stereotypes, assumptions obnoxiously trying to take a place in our personal space. Such encroachment moves to reduce freedom, by intentionally or inadvertently allowing others to be lazy and superficially define people, to place them in unfavourable generic boxes rather than in holistic context.

I have to stop writing now, I’m zzzzzz tired and the brain needs to rest. I hope that your bummed feelings about the restrictions placed on your life, will subside. It must be difficult.

Paul’s Thoughts said...

Ok I have had my overdue rest necessitated by a night that was lived as if it were daylight. Please forgive me if my previous comment was rather forward, stark in its stream of words, I was practically doing weightlifting with my eyelids. The afternoon is upon me and I have a few more things to say.

“by the way since being called psychotic for the rest of my life is one reason I often do want to die”

Obviously “psychotic” and “crazy” are trigger words for you, as in the past or perhaps presently, they have been used by others to alienate you from the equality that is due you in common human identity. Dignity is still innately yours just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, no one can erode or control your internal world. Keep the light on in the mirror, don’t let people darken your self-image. You can rise, though weight is upon you. Some might take pleasure in shattering glass, to gain the higher ground by labelling, but if you care for your own soul, dig deep to find the wellspring, then let it rise to the surface because you care. It is a crime beyond all measure to be in a desert and deny you water. Hold your head up high and rise, keep the light on in your mind, defend it from being smothered because I don’t want you to die.

beautiful mind, complex life said...

OctaveO:

The fact that you would take the time to respond so specifically and attentively to my writing is flattering, and more importantly, as long as there are people who want to read what I have to say, that gives me reason to believe I should write it (if that makes sense).

I think it's important to know what you're writing for too, to know your audience. What I used to do online was more geared toward feminists and disabled people, and also other related topics that were specifically backed by an interest in social change, and I loved making those websites, and putting together my writing and others' to do it, and for some time also running a discussion forum called personal and political women's issues. That was really a while ago, but it's all still there. The forum's been run by other people (very well too) the past couple years, and I the websites were offline for some time (until now).

Most of my writing has always been done in journals, somewhat with the idea that certain themes in them could be turned into a book someday. I unfortunately lost quite a few of those journals during a big mishap in moving from one state to another...one big regret, let me tell you. But that was also odd because, of course, when you write in a journal, there's no audience to write for other than yourself (at least, not write away).

Anyway, I am low on time at the moment but I wanted to let you know that I deeply appreciated your comments and how thoughtful they were. Thank-you.

Paul’s Thoughts said...

I will endeavour to look into your/collective/collaborative websites to get a real world insight into feminism. When someone says that they identify with the feminist movement I am a little in the dark to what this actually means. Ignorance prevails here on my part. Feminism conjures up in my mind all kinds of words like cultural feminism, liberal feminism, psychoanalytic feminism, lesbian feminism, radical feminism, socialist/materialist feminism, academic feminism, and the list continues. Forgive me of my ignorance into the theoretical, historical and social arguments. All I am aware of is that feminism positions itself in dialectical opposition to misogynous ideology, hegemonic forces and social-economic factors that move to subordinate and exploit women. Could you recommend a good book? Alas, I have not done much reading in this area and do not have a well-formulated framework in my mind in regards to what is agreeable to my Christian worldview. Obviously, and don’t be offended, some aspects of liberal feminism will not fit, but other notions pertaining equality in work and so on, will. I will read the articles that you have personally written on other websites with great interest to attain a better grasp or understanding of where you are coming from when you mention “feminism.” Naturally, the oppression, exploitive coercion, sexual abuse, inhumane treatment and suppression of women is deplorable.

It is admirable that you are a self-starter, evidenced by the websites you have initiated and helped to run in the past. On a more general level, in terms of proactive behaviour based on certain ideals or beliefs, you are able to express some backbone. What I mean is that there are those say that they will do something, at some point, but never move anything by their mouth. Then there are those who gaze with starry eyes at those who do act, and wish to be like them. This is a person encapsulated within a world of dreams but is easily divided from their goals and never sees any realisation of their aspirations. Then there are others who exhibit backbone and actually do the doing. Granted humans are not always consistent, but your websites testify to your capacity to overcome physical ailments and other barriers to achieve things for the benefit of others free of charge.

It is sad that you lost your treasured journals. Journaling is an commendable habit for which I have never been disciplined enough to pursue.

The idea of “travelling between states” is a foreign idea to me. I guess in some way, travelling to the “south island” in NZ could be liken to it. I need to get to Australia at some point in my life, I have flown over it, but not visited. NZ and Australia allow their citizens to move quite freely between the two countries to live and work permanently. This also used to be the case with England but limitations have been enforced. (Eg grandparents must have British passport.).

Well, I have to go
Hope the sun is shining where you are.

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