Friday, August 26, 2005

Life now, being psychotic, and explanation

Every night my roommate talks about her neighbors who harass her when she's home. Every morning too. They harass her, she says, with loud music on casette tapes outside her window, and with the colors they wear on their clothes. She says they wear certain colors, and they give you trouble if your clothes don't match, and the police are involved in this conspiracy, and they want to take her house to use it for military purposes. She's psychotic.

Mostly I ignore her with earphones (one reason why I would feel compelled to post song lyrics here), and I have to say, "okay", and "sure" and then eventually turn my back and tell her I'm going to sleep.

She does this every night too. She keeps me awake.

All day long when she shuts the door to our room it automatically locks, so I have to knock to get in. That's because she's afraid of everybody, and she says, though, "I don't know how she would survive without you", (to me, which is, really, just baffling, since I honestly can't stand her).

But I put up with her because I know she's psychotic. I grew up in the neighborhood she lives in now. I know there aren't gangs running around there forcing here to where red and Tuesday and blue on Monday. But to her, there are. In her view of reality, this is how life actually is. So she gets up on Monday and is afraid she might be in "trouble" if she wears yellow, and she asks me, every single day, what color is okay to wear that day.

There's no reason why this woman can't wear any color she pleases, but she thinks there is. Because this woman is, unfortunately for her and me and everybody else who deals with her in life, psychotic. That would be why she is my roommate in a longterm psychiatric "treatment" program.

It's kind of similar to walking around thinking that you are pregnant, being sure that you really are pregnant, "knowing" that you are pregnant, and having all kinds of doctors and nurses tell you you're not, tell you pregnancy tests came back negative and looking at you like you are insane. So I don't look at this woman like she's insane, because I know what that's like. I walked around thinking I was pregnant for a year or more, and I wrote about it in here.

I felt the need to explain this a little because one of the replies I got to this blog, which was also very kind and flattering, seemed to not understand this fact. I didn't ever have any baby in my body. I was really, unfortunately, psychotic. And since I've been on medication that affects brain chemicals, I have realized that there is no baby there.

So if you go back and read some of these entries, and they sound a little bizarre, and a little bit illogical, and you get confused, please understand that was just my view of reality at that time. I wasn't lying about anything. I wasn't just confused. I thought and believed what I wrote, myself. I wasn't on any drugs or any medications when I wrote that I was pregnant and the things about Anne Frank. Actually I would only write about them in the first place because they were so real to me that there is no way I could speak about them to any human being and stand to be told, you know, you're crazy. I'm not crazy, actually, I really hate that word. Weird, sure. But not crazy. I have, they say, this disorder, called Shizoaffective. A couple months ago it was being called Schizophrenia. So, yeah that explains the name of this blog.

And all of what I'm trying to explain here really deserves a more detailed explanation and a better written one at that, but I'm short on time because the place where I'm living only allows really brief and rare internet access.

So for now, this will have to do.

If you haven't seen the movie A Beautiful Mind, really you should see it, to understand what many people experience in life. It's a good film. It terrified the hell out of me because it was a bit too close to home, but is definitely a good film.

Thank-you very much to those of you who have let me know you were reading these pages, and for all the kind words; I really appreciate knowing that the letters aren't going out across these lines into the cosmos and reaching NeverNever Land. It's nice to know you're there.


  1. Wow... You sound so much better than when I first started reading this blog. I am very happy for you.
    I agree with you when you say "I wasn't lying about anything." Since the truth is really just relative, and to lie means to intentionally decieve, I understand completely.
    I have been completely convinced of similar things about myself, (not pregnancy lol... god complex things, people out to get me, etc..) later coming to realize these things weren't correct, and feeling entirely foolish about the entire situation.
    I think this blog would be a good thing to keep around for long-term health.
    I am going to assume that you are medicated. I am also. I know how strong the temptation to quit taking meds can become, when you feel healthy, and you cannot afford them anymore, and how easily it is to slip into old patterns.
    Maybe you could use this blog to remind yourself if 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' become obscure and confusing ideas.
    I keep some old writings (rantings really) around, to help me recognize when I am starting to slip.
    Glad to hear from you, take care of yourself.

  2. I agree with yhovah that you certainly do sound much better now. Yes, there are those of us who have been following your blog writings and rooting for you.

    Speaking of music, try listening to Norah Jones. Both of her CDs are great, but the first one especially has an innocence and intensity that really pick up my spirits. Take care and stay in touch.

  3. Hey, smile at yourself in the mirror. This is what I do to somtimes. I don’t know about other people, but grinning at myself has an amazing effect on the inside. I guess this is one of the weird things I do. Great to hear that you have empathy for your roommate even if she gets on your nerves at times. I cannot imagine what life would be like without colours, they are amazing, fascinating, delightful, incredible,... Who can think up a new colour?

    PS: I like the American spelling of ‘colour’ better.


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