Basically, if I intend to stay alive (please not the "if"), there is no point to using this blog, with this odd title, any longer.
But I will, for now.
Strangely enough, locked inside a place 24 hours a day with employees who are supposedly there to help me somehow, and taking a ton of psychotropic drugs, I find that I am incredibly lonely, that I never express my true self very much in regards to dealing with my actual problems, and that I miss this type of outlet, because it helps me more than the confinement I live in now ever could. What the confinement helps with is keeping me away from bridges, tall buildings and guns. What typing to noone, to myself, or to you, whoever you are (and thank you for stopping in), helps with is talking about the entire point of it all and figuring out where I really stand, in reality, with myself. Expressing my actual problems here is much more effective, really, than all of the lying around and doing nothing does is, well, very little.
I really have no time to write much more, so here are my words of wisdom for whoever chooses to take them today:
Listen to Ani Difranco's music.
Don't trust anyone too easily, but don't waste time hating anyone for no good reason either.
Read poetry, whenever you may be able to find some.
Write your own thoughts down when it pleases you to do so.
Watch the film A Beautiful Mind, if you want to understand more what this blog really started for.
Don't trust doctors too much with your life unless you have no choice but to do so.
Take care of yourself.
11 comments:
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Sheesh, the amount of spam comments is amazing. Anyway I just wanted to say that I read your post and thought I should just leave a comment saying that I found it interesting and was able to relate a little to what it's like when you feel depressed. Hopefully things will get better for you.
Thought would paste a poem as you mentioned poetry..
To an early violet by Swami Vivekananda
What though thy bed be frozen earth,
Thy cloak the chilling blast;
What though no mate to clear thy path,
Thy sky with gloom o'ercast --
What though of love itself doth fail,
Thy fragrance strewed in vain;
What though if bad o'er good prevail,
And vice o'er virtue reign --
Change not thy nature, gentle bloom,
Thou violet, sweet and pure,
But ever pour thy sweet perfume
Unasked, unstinted, sure !
Hi Beautiful Mind, It’s rolling into a stretched out afternoon here like a never-ending slow beat. I thought I would check out Ani Difranco's music as you suggested. I listened to what was available on albums ‘knuckle down’, ‘educated guess’ and some of ‘evolution’. She certainly as been prolifically busy over the years, no one could possibly replicate her complex harmonies. Beyond the intensely personal lyrics, from what I’ve read, her work is also lavished with contemporary political issues, and being a feminist amongst other things I can see why like her.
I quite liked her song ‘studying stones’ in ‘knuckle down’. It made me think of those earth-shattering times when I have stared out the window desperately trying to suspended thought. ‘Studying stones’ speaks to those internal personal moments when silence encompasses the ears and the mind waits introspectively, patiently for its world to stop swirling. Yet the mind does not relent its busyness, seemingly eternally transfixed on bubbling away. Sometimes it’s a struggle, as Ani says ‘using all of my will to keep very still, still even on the inside’, “there's never been an endeavor so strange as trying to slow the blood in my veins to keep my face blank as a stone that just sank until not a ripple remains’ Yet, I’m guessing in Ani’s case the heart does not slow as the mind still journeys to emotional memories she had hoped to abandon when she left home by taking to the open road. Her lyrics are deep and vividly personal.
Another song that forcefully grabbed my attention, like rain on the face, was ‘swim’ in ‘educated guess’. I figure this was because I have just returned from my oceanic beachside trip.
As for your second point of goodwill advice (to read poetry) this is something worthy a little exploration, even if I’m unsure of where to start turning pages. I have however read the poem “Woman in the Ordinary” as posted on the Internet.
Thirdly, I have watched the movie beautiful mind. It depicts a person who reached the heights of mathematical notoriety, struggled with social skills and experienced a harrowing journey into the shifting nightmares of schizophrenia. The film was tremendously engaging and evoked responses undeniably heartfelt. In many ways your blog gives greater insight into related types of struggles and I have found it similarly engaging as you journey to make sense of where you stand with yourself.
Lastly, as for doctors, yes one does need to be weary of leaving the brain at the door in their company. Anything else can lead to unwanted unnecessary results through ignorance aided by ‘doctor always knows best’ mentalities. Doctors are not always right, just as they are not always wrong.
Hope you are feeling better today.
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