My first email address, when i learned to use email, back in 1996 or 1997, was eyemote@hotmail.com.
I was a huge fan of Plath's work, for many years. I've visited the rare book room at Smith College (when i was accepted into their Ada Comstock Scholars' program), read the original texts, in her handwriting, of the Bell Jar, looked at her own books from her personal possessions that they keep for researchers to see. I've read pretty much everything she's ever written, loved her poetry most, admired her more for her creativity than the fact she killed herself, and felt a kinship with her because she understood so much that other people don't seem to. The lines above still stay in my mind as words that just speak what I feel, very strongly at times.
In the past, in journals, and in writing that's all lost now thanks to having to move so many times with no money, I've written poems for Plath or written about Plath. I've done research papers on her for college English classes years ago, and mostly I've felt that she spoke to me in a way few other writers did. I wrote a poem when I was 22 called "the bell jar" that was mostly about feeling suicidal. I had it on the internet and people responded saying, that is my life, that made me cry, etc.....and thanking me for posting it. (several years ago)
Anyway, here is what i want back:
-A time when i was healthy
-a lack of fear, the ability to feel safe
-a time I never had when i felt truly loved, wanted, and protected, with no fear involved, and without owing the person something in response to their affection
-sunsets and the taste of salt water on islands we visited on my dad's boat that i would drive when i was seven years old
-reading books with my mother when i was three
-watching television and thinking real people really lived like those people on TV, and someday i would too
-feeling intelligent, and hopeful, and confident to some degree
-knowing i had a future
-the honor and pride in getting rewards at school, or the best grades, or comments on papers that professors or teachers wrote that showed appreciation, and gave me a feeling of achievement
-picking buttercups
-chasing fireflies or butterflies
-writing poems on sidewalk benches in Virginia, listening to a cd walkman, and not caring that i didn't have any friends anywhere near where i lived, and that i couldn't work, and that i had almost no money, but i could, at least, create
-thinking i'd finish college, thinking i could, believing i would, going to school
-romantic times with a gun named Devereaux in Washington DC who didn't treat me all that well for very long, but did very briefly
-going to Disneyworld and getting on the rides with other kids and my family and thinking how exciting it was to be in that place with so many different types of people from different parts of the world, and so much to see, and do and read
-the museums in Washington
-swimming and synchronized swimming and putting Knox gelatin in my hair and doing synchro routines when i was 12
-feeling like i had the ability to help my little brother and sister grow up feeling safer and happier and having better lives than they would have without me
-making greeting cards, or gifts for people
-getting mail from my friends Sara and Lauren and Ali and Christa, and sending them mail too
-playing with KC, Tom's dog (my old roommate)
-sleeping with my cat Buttons who would lie on my head and who grew very fat and was very friendly and was later put to sleep by my mother
-making strawberry shortcake
-singing and dancing and acting out the play Annie
-writing poems and sending them to Kevin, thinking we were inevitably going to meet in person and be in love; and talking with him on the phone and thinking we were soulmates
-walking through the museum of art in St. Pete with Brad last year
-creating a feminist website and feeling like it was something meaningful and important
-listening to people.......so many people, too many to mention
-going on trips to Baltimore, going to the inner harbor, going to my grandparents' big old house (dad's parents) and playing in the attic and the sun porch with my cousins
-lemonade stands on the sidewalk and making ten cents for selling something
-playing the piano
-talking about activism or feminist poetry with Ali, when we were friends
-protesting in Washington
-playing the clarinet
-ballet
-believing in the toothfairy
-Laura Ingalls and all of her books and dreaming of being her
-Nancy Drew
-my baby sister Brittany and talking to her about how women got the right to vote while giving her a bogttle, when i was a teenage feminist and she was just born
-emails from old friends
-phone calls or letters or emails from my brother and sister when i lived out of state
-Christmas and birthday gifts, and getting gifts and wrapping them, even if they had to be bough for a dollar
-knowing that there was a bed that was mine in a home that was mine, in a place that would be there the next day and that i wasn't going to lose that
-having enough food and enough clothes and enough stuff
-not being alone all the time
-not knowing too much
-not hating myself
-not feeling hated
-faith in humanity
-being a vegetarian because i still cared enough about my values and morals and wasn't having such a hard time surviving
-the excitement involved in believing that there was still a reason to keep learning and trying new things
-hope
-a body that wasn't in pain
-knowing i was pretty, and thin, and that if nothing else (ie, i was not healthy), i still had that much
-reading, going to bookstores, and libraries, and not caring about being a nerd, and not caring that other people were out doing things with their friends, because i was happy doing that, at least some of the time
-feeling like there was still time left to do what i wanted to do
-believing there was still time left to do what i needed to do
-believing that some how things got better in the future
-believing that there was a God
-not needing more than a Huffy to get around, and having that
-climbing trees
-storms, the excitement of lightning and thunder
-planning to run away from home with my friend Lindy while we babysat our little siblings at her house
-visiting Sarge and Bernice who made home decorations out of seashells in their garage and were our neighbors when i was a kid
-thinking my real family was coming back to get me, since i was adopted, and some other mom somewhere, like say, Princess Diana, was out there waiting at some point for a return
-sleeping at night, without pills
-going to Denny's with my brother Danny in the middle of the night when we both had insomnia and i was working the night shift
-letting Jessica drive my car when she learned how to drive, and screaming because she was so reckless
-thinking that one day we would all be older, and really close, and having no reason to believe that would not be the case
-owning a car that ran well, and could get me wherever i needed to go (that was REALLY nice, and did not last very long)
-bubble baths
-lots and lots of other things
0 comments:
Post a Comment