Sunday, May 15, 2005

supserstrings, ripples in the cosmos, and mental health

i believe people and experiences and words and ideas and lives and movements and decisions and thoughts and colors and other things are connected in a way that none of use see or usually think about and few can form and conscious thoughts to explain......
sometime about a year ago i read some interesting things about superstring theory in quantum physics by Briane Greene, an excellent writer who puts really complex scientific ideas into laypersons' terms well.
i also have other ideas, things i know are true but would sound so bizarre here that i don't write them because they would easily get mistaken for psychosis (and i'm aware that if somebody is psychotic she or he doesn't usually think, "hey, i'm psychotic"), and are not really what you might call "normal". sometimes, i guess now i'm used to it, but other times this gets tormenting, and the fear and the sense of responsibility and other issues involved ar really tormenting, really really really tormenting.
i see signs of things connected to other things of ideas and concepts being transferred through people and pictures and images and the titles of books and webpages and the sides of trucks, i mean.....it is a spiritual thing, it is real, and it is not something i'm describing well......and it's not really possible to describe well, in detail........i could give ten million examples.
basically i'm tired of it, and i'm tired of knowing that these things can get a person labeled crazy, and knowing that could easily happen to me again, and yet i know that there are times when i thought things that really were not true, and i have to think, oh that was basically being psychotic, i was really sure of untrue ideas that sounded crazy to other people and not to me.....so what's very difficult is having lost friends and had hospitalizations and lost family contacts over things like that, over believing things that weren't real......and then knowing also you now have a very real problem that people won't believe is real, so what's best to do? what to do? and once you have tried everything you can think to do, what is left?
i truly don't want to die right now, and i know there is no other way out of this nightmare. then again, i truly don't want to keep living this particular life. but i've seen too, the consequences of other things, and what does one create with suicide and the energy left after such a death? what does one snowball out into the atmosphere of the other dimensions in the universe and everybody else's life? and i'm so tired of caring about this, too, honestly, of the consequences of everything.
even the most simple decisions are very difficult for me because i think of all the possible outcomes and the reaons why not to do this or that and this leads to what appears like either procrastination or laziness but is often a sense of being very stuck and confused and other times it also leads to changing ideas and morals and not quite knowing who i even am anymore.
i told my mother tonight, you know, i'm not crazy......(since she was telling me i need medication,and a doctor, being that she thinks those things help her.... as i know she knows what i want to do and i know that she gets suicidal herself and she wants me to stay here for her because she relies on me and i've known this most of my life and i'm tired of the guilt).and you know, what is crazy, anyway? after all, she's been called crazy all her life for being "bipolar" and what the hell is that, anyway? is that a label, an excuse, or a real "disease", and i guess i stopped really caring a long time ago, honestly, i stopped believing and having faith in medicine of all kinds a long time ago, and most particularly in psychiatry.....i despise psychiatry with an intense passion; i sold half my self and my life off to the industry of improving the mind, and it surely did not pay off, so i stopped going to therapy or looking for antidepressants years ago, and i know that there is no drug for the mind that cures problems in the body or the bank account or the family or the life, and i'm not so sure, really, that i want to be labeled like a can of soup ever again by another person with a title that they got because they stayed in college a few years longer than i did. generally, i'm not too fond of those people, and generally, they're not too polite to me, and generally, i don't care anymore if some of what i think is a little "crazy".
but i do get tired of the torment and everything, the fear and anxiety, and i suppose if i truly believed it was all imagined or not real, and my thoughts were somehow the product of something wrong inside my brain, i'd ask for "help" again; but i don't believe that because hearing somebody say something to you that other people apparently did not hear or did not interpret the same way that you did is a lot different than feeling depressed for no reason. if i feel depressed for no reason it doesn't mean my entire concept of the world around me is escew and people don't label me as a defective human being. Being called "psychotic", is like being called "subhuman". And that's the type of treatment you get for it, from people. I prefer not to volunteer myself to be treated as a subhuman person. Thanks anyway. And this all, fwiw, it started two years ago. Before that, all my life i was never, ever, labeled psychotic. Plenty of other labels, but not that one.

What bothers me is you can say something which someone would, if you said it in the correct terminology understand to be quantum physics, and you can gain respect for saying this, and you can write papers on it and publish them or books or whatnot, and people will say you're a genius, whilst at the same time, you can say the same exact thing in different terms, and because you don't have a degree and you said it to your family or a doctor or a friend or somebody at a hospital and not to Time Magazine, and particularly if you have a history of being treated for anything in the field of mental health, people will say that you're insane and an idiot.

That really bothers me a lot. A whole lot.
Here is a good website on superstring theory. and here is an article in Scientific American. I feel quite sure the people who wrote this information were not prescribed antipsychotic drugs or locked up in hospitals or other institutions for their ideas. Had they, however, described experiences that gave examples of these ideas, and said it in any other forum, they might be taking large doses of Risperdal or Haldol right now staring at a concrete wall.

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