music and intoxication

i'm a bit intoxicated
i went to a bar and a nightclub
understand, i've had a very repressed life as far as partying and drinking go - i never did either, really at all....so the few times i have, then perhaps, particularly now that i'm quite suicidal, i might go overboard
so, yes, i'm drunk
and i quite liked getting drunk
i liked singing and dancing in public, and dancing with people
i liked hearing old 80's punk rock music i loved long ago and seeing people dressed up in tattoos and gothic garb and punk rock hair cuts that reminded me of a person i loved, who really i still love but will never see.....and i loved feeling this freedom to have fun and just not care and i suppose, in some immature way, i kind of liked people i work with saying, "that's enough, you've had too much" and taking my drink away because it covered for someone actually caring about me, since, honestly no one really does care what happens to me, but when you go out with people as friends they kind of act like they do, at least to some extent, and these people were very nice that way, and i kind of liked that, but i wanted to keep having fun, to keep drinking, to meet someone who i could just go home with and forget myself and my life for a while and not end up back in this crappy apartment where i breathe all alone and hope to die......
it was a beautifully decorated nightclub, and the music was great, and i understand now why people enjoy alcohol and why i have so many "alcoholic" family members, of course, if you can get over how much you hate yourself for a little bit enough to go out and dance and laugh and make other people laugh and enjoy some time, then alcohol can feel like quite a beneficial thing......i always knew i would like it a lot if i ever drank, which is why i never drank......
anyway, it's late and i guess i don't care to bother trying to write anything better than this, but what i also wanted to say was how this all made me think so much of Kevin, who i loved dearly for so many years, because it was the type of music he once loved too, and the whole atmosphere reminded me of places he went before i knew him, though we never went together and i never was there, our conversations and the things i know of him are very real, always were very real and important to me, because he was very important to me, and i probably shared more of myself with him than with any other human being i have ever known as long as i've been alive, and in the end what it led to was basically nothing.....we never got together, we never got to be "real" friends, we never even met, we just talked online and on the phone for 8 years......how fucking pathetic is that? and sometimes i still miss him, and everything that we missed, and sometimes i still wish i could kiss someone and dance with someone and be in love with someone, even if just for a little while, before my life is over....... a few weeks ago, i did that, drank and kissed and went home with someone, someone who later did not treat me well (which i probably should have expected), and that was a mistake, but the reason i did that was, when you know your life is over and there's no way out other than death, it gets really hard to care anymore about being mature and logical and careful, at all......
sometimes i wish i had just let myself live with abandon, and gone out and been wild and crazy for a few years and perhaps, perhaps, perhaps everything would have gone differently and i wouldn't be where i am now at all......perhaps i wouldn't be alone, perhaps i wouldn't have to die......
honestly, i don't want to die at all