i am not sure

that i should have started this blog....
but i know that i needed an outlet and a place to say things that will need to be said
i'm so tired and so lonely and so frightened and so ready go but so afraid as well.
there is much i wanted to do with my life
and what if, in case it was not a pregnancy and some sort of bizarre illness that looks like a pregnancy, then what? but i know that is not the case and i've gone past nihilistic now to where i don't care if it is the caes, im done, done, done with doctors and no energy to ever go back to one again, no more of that, and no more hospitals, and i have no energy or motivation or organizational skills left on me to clean, and i'm so afriad, so afraid, so afraid of doing anything
and i miss my old self, miss feeling like myself, miss having enough basic survival issues intact enough to be able to think about being me and about who i am and what i like or don't like, or what i have to say or what's going on the world
and i'm afraid, afraid, afraid
and i really, right now, wish that i had a close friend to talk to, so badly