how i tried to avoid suicide

This is for anyone who cares to read this and feel some sort of judgmental attitude towards me for my intent to end my life.
I was a huge supporter of antidepressants and therapy and psychiatry and hospitals, for a long time, even support groups, self-help groups, self-help books; I've tried it all, and tried it all repeatedly, and tried it all way too much. I spent more time with that kind of garbage than ever actually living like a human being when I was "growing up", from early teen years to young adulthood.
Things I tried:
-therapists, both expensive, cheap, and free, some of which required medicaid, taxi rides, getting rides from other people, months of waiting periods.
-hospitals, which i can say with certainty are the main reason why i have no desire to live now, since my life has been destroyed largely due to time spent in psychiatric hospitals (no, it didn't "help"; i became convinced through hospital experiences that i had a long history of sexual abuse; this convincing led to my family disowning me, and that generally has not been a helpful thing)
-self-talk
-self-help
-tons and tons of journals, which i know longer have since they have been lost through moves where i could not afford to move my belongings
-online writing
-email pals
-talking with people in support group settings for depression, for chronic physical illnesses and disabilities, for alcoholism in the family
-self help books
-religions (Christianity, Scientology, a couple of things in between)
-prayer
-church
-screaming and crying in pillows and cars
-distractions, lots of them
-medications; antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety (benzodiazapines), sleeping pills, pills for physical health, and the most worthless of all being antipsychotics
-music and medication and candles and things like that
-exercize
-keeping websites, educating other people about problems
-activism and volunteer work
-reading (poetry, books)
-more distractions
-eating disorder, in younger years (this is a twisted way of avoiding suicide in some people including myself)
-self-mutilation (cutting), same as above
-psychiatric clinics where they have low cost doctors
-medication from regular doctors
-time without medication
-thought
-contemplation
-trying to resolve the problems which have made me suicidal in the first place Please note: I do not want to die. Repeat: I do not want to die. Also, I am going to kill myself. The reason for that is that life has been made impossible to live otherwise.
-Moving to other states, multiple times
-Cutting off contact with family members who caused stress or just didn't care if I was dead or alive which can be depressing
-recontacting family members to regain family ties
-taking care of other people, to feel useful, such as my mother
-hiding
-sleeping
-spending a lot of time avoiding the things that make me nervous, which can be, at times, just about anything
-trying to be "normal", date, form relationships, never worked......
-trying to make friends
-artwork
-doing anything possible to survive while in severe poverty and homelessness
-attempting to abort baby that i obviously cannot carry
-attempting to give birth to baby that i have no way of taking care of
-in above two cases, please understand, this is the actual reason i'm about to die soon, because i have been told i'm "not pregnant", when i am, and am OBVIOUSLY, AS IN IT IS VERY PHYSICALLY NOTICEABLE
-functioning by staying lying down the majority of the time, every day
-living without a car for years, spending the majority of my time in a rented room with very little food
-spending years getting medical treatment when possible and barely functioning beyond that
-spending years surviving even though nobody in my family really cares much if i'm dead or alive
-spending years alone, most of the time, with not much of a life, surviving
-spending years in abject poverty, surviving
-spending years primarily on the verge of homelessness, or actually homeless, and physically sick, and alone, and surviving
-doing degrading sexual work for money, to survive
-putting up with heinous verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse from the one family member who does want me around (so she can kick me around, basically, for the rest of my life), and still clinging to her because i have nobody else and neither does she
-pretending like i'm completely find and dandy during all of the above
-keeping my mouth shut when i have a million reasons why i really know that i have to kill myself and i have no one to turn to and there is no answer and there is no help, but all the while i choose not to 'bother' other people if i can avoid it
-calling hotlines for someone to talk to, repeatedly, for years, when there was nobody else to talk to
-taking money earned from working for an escort service (that is several thousand dollars), directly paying it to a psychiatric hospital, in order to be admitted, in order to avoid suicide, when i had no real reason to want to live in the firstr place and nobody much cared if i was dead or a alive
-working and trying to retain some semblance of normalcy, trying to have some socializing, trying to function, even when i have absolutely no desire to keep going, and nobody who really cares if i am dead or alive.
-been hospitalized and labeled with so much garbage diagnoses and drugged so much int he past few years, i cannot even tell you how many times it has happened, and still, i have gone on
-read everything from the Bible, L.Ron Hubbard, Dr,. Seuss, Gloria Steinem, all of the depression books ever written and blah blah blah
-begged and pleaded for help from "professionals", from God, from the universe, from psychic powers, from a hope dug up from infertile dirt...........from other people, and primarily from my self, in whom i never found enough of it
this is boring to even write, it's just to make a point
anybody who ever says that i gave up or that this was some sort of cop out can go straight to the inferno themselves
.....in retrospect, i believe that my tendency to buy into the idea of 'self help' (and the encompassing self-pity required), ruined my life more than anthing else, and is the primary reason why i never really have functioned like other people......when your mom takes you to "alateen" meetings and therapists when you're 12, it doesn't help much to prepare you for the day when you're an adult, you didn't finish college because you got physically sick, nobody at all financially supports you except yourself, and you can't work.......not much does prepare one for that but least of all helpful things is probably a tendency to overexamine the innerworkings of one's mind, wander over to the self-help section of the bookstore and spend a few years morning over sexual abuse and mental abuse and depression and other problems while simultaneously battling the very REAL LIFE problems of not being able afford food, a vehicle, or a roof over one's head, and having no social life, no job, and not much going on that makes life worth living.......
in retrospect, i believe that i wasted countless, countless, countless time and money looking for a "help" that NEVER EVER EVER EVER EXISTED or ever would have been possible to find, and that this help i was looking for, really, was a help for the problems that are not the real problems in my life, some of the time, other times it was for the real problems, and primarily what this search for "help" (something i learned how to do from my mom who still does it all the time), accomplised was to have me labeled as a socially unacceptable human being, something worthless to mankind, something better off dead, something not socially acceptable, not acceptable to family, so unacceptable in fact that this thing can be locked into buildings against her will and have her rights to LIVE taken away from her, have her belongings trashed, have her homes lost, have her jobs lost, have her schooling lost, have everything lost, to be left with NOTHING BUT A PLASTIC BAG THAT HAS SOME GENERIC DEODORANT IN IT, AND A SCRAP OF PAPER WITH A PRESCRIPTION WRITTEN ON IT FOR A PSYCHOTROPIC DRUG AND SOME SO-CALLED SOCIAL WORKER'S REQUIRED RECOMMENDATION THAT ONE GO AND LOOK FOR SOME SUPPORT GROUP........
AND THEN SENT TO THE STREET
THAT is what has happened to me in hospitals, and has happened now so many times that it has come to define the past few years of my life
and the funny thing is, there are a few things pills don't fix.
i'm just going to do a separate post on that, on what pills don't fix, and that will just speak for itself......