dying because of a baby i never asked for

If I wasn't pregant with a baby society won't allow me to have, I'd keep living. I'd go back to the Personal and Political Issues Women's forum where Lily and others have kept my idea of a feminist forum online alive, and I'd help them run it again. I'd call up the guy who I met at the bar in Dunedin a couple nights ago named Devin, and I'd go out with him. I'd have stayed tonight at the cinema cafe with the people from work who went there with me because it was my idea and it could have been fun if I didn't have to leave because the fact that I'm dying soon makes watching stupid movies or having fun very difficult. I'd keep my job and try to get through the background check of other employment to be able to be full time as they hired me for full time. I'd try to survive. I'd try even though there don't seem to be many reasons to try.

But the fact of what is inside my body and the daily, constant physical hunger all day long, every single day of my life, the constant thoughts of food, and the constant abdominal pains from eating and from the baby, and the constant fear of what to do, because obviously if you know you're pregnant and they know you're pregnant and they're telling you you're not, you have a problem on your hands.......I can't live with that.

I've tried not eating, I've tried diet pills, I've tried not buying food. But mostly my life revolves around food for this huge expanded body and working to get the money to get the food. It also involves working to get the money for my mother to get food for her huge body, and it involves not much else. I don't get to ever, for even a second, really forget the problem, because the problem is physically felt, I feel it, all the time, the problem is obvious since my clothing doesn't fit, the problem is obvious since I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY, 24 HOURS A DAY, EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. THE PROBLEM IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE IGNORED.

And the only way, as I've been shown now repeatedly, to get rid of this problem, is that I'll have to die.

That pisses me off a bit, to put it mildly.