drugs

i think if i'd have been a drug addict, i could be functional at the moment, i mean maybe with heroine....
i need something, i need klonopin again,
my god. my god. my god. what is wrong with me?
i was laughing and crying at the same time telling my mother about the baby and listening to myself knowing that they, anybody, will say this is insane, and not true, and she looked at me and said it, of course, you need mendication, and this is my mother the one who i am meant to take care of because of her problems, and i thought, by golly she is probably right, and at the same time i thought, f-you, you're part of the problem for not believing me and i'm trying to tell you a huge secret, how dare you....and i thought, please listen, you don't understand that I AM GOING TO DIE AND I REALLY REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO LISTEN
and i thought, i want to go write my will and print it out, and my living will, and i thought, i want to write a poem, and i thought, i can't leave here, and i thought, i can't stay here, and i thought, what are we going to do, and i thought she wants to die to how the hell can i do this to her?, and i thought, i want my books, and i thought, i need to write down things, read things, and i thought, i'm going to take a trip to Roswell, and i thought, why is that word on that screen the same as my email address and an album i like and why why why why 295343 a day does it happen, that i see/read things that other people don't care about or whatever, and i thought, it is really sad how badly my mom is and i thought, i need to flee.

and this is what happens to me, i have conflicting thoughts, too many thoughts, at once, all day long...it was once labeled as multiple personality disorder, it was once something i cared to concede to labels for, maybe it is how everyone is but i'm just so bothered now that there are so many things i want to be saying and explaining to people but cannot, because there are just too many thoughts....and i think my sister's brain is this way too, which is probably why she rarely talks to anybody.