Wednesday, April 16, 2014

To people who think it is wrong to take medications, or who tell me I take too many, or who are Scientologists. Read this.

alone

I managed to miss one or two appointments with my therapist, and now that I really need to see her there are no openings till May 1st. I realize this is my own fault.

I did so badly on a test for my Spanish class that the professor is letting me retake it because I told her about my illness and that I had been having problems lately and a medication change.  It was really good of her to accommodate me this way.

I've been having financial problems because the car I bought last year caused me to have sky high insurance, but I am still hoping to find a cheaper plan somewhere else. I've never resorted to borrowing money from anyone, and particularly not from Amscot, until recently when I couldn't pay my rent.

So there are some of the usual life stressors. They don't destroy me. I still find time to notice the beauty in life. The other day I spent some time sitting by the water on my university campus and looking at the birds and the boats while I ate a sandwich. It truly is a beautiful place. I've been seeing a chiropractor at a clinic that's free for me because I work for the college affiliated with the chiropractic school, so that has been somewhat helpful for my constant muscle pain in my shoulders and neck from Fibromyalgia.

I've been lying here thinking tonight, because of course,  I cannot sleep (as usual) about different men who have been in my life. It's funny to think that a year and a half ago I wanted to go to New Zealand to meet a guy named Adrian who I thought I was in love with. And who claimed - albeit briefly - to be in love with me too. It feels now like such a na├»ve thing to have chatted on Skype about possibly meeting him.......there was no way it would have worked for a variety of reasons, which culminated in him getting a girlfriend in New Zealand and that was that.

There was also this guy named Adam who I met online in a Schizoaffective support group who I sort of "dated" on the phone and online but who I never met because he lives three hours away from here and I didn't feel comfortable going that far to meet him when he had no car and he also didn't seem to be taking his meds. So I ended that. A couple times.

There was this poet named Brad who I really liked a lot years ago when we briefly dated, but I think that is past history now and he's not interested in being in any kind of relationship with me other than email friendship, which I understand especially because we live in different states and because I've gained 120 pounds.

And there was always the guy I was obsessed with for many years, Kevin. But that is old history too, and he wouldn't want to talk to me again now.

I feel like I am going to be alone all my life, to live out my days in solitude. This was never my plan, actually, but it's how things have turned out. I'm an aging crazy cat lady and there will be no children in my future because I am too old, too medicated, and too disabled to have them.

I'm okay with not having kids. It's the not having a life partner that is making me lonely. I feel so cut off from people. There was a party at a friend of mine's house recently, but because I knew most of the people would have PhD's or at least Master's Degrees, I couldn't get up the courage to go. So I skipped it, and I felt badly for doing that, but I've been to a party at their house before and it was a really uncomfortable situation for me. I don't know how to act when I'm intimidated by people.

I will be 40 in January,. I really do not want to spend the rest of this life alone like the first 39 years have mostly been spent. My one long term real life relationship was a dysfunctional disaster with a guy who cared more about the prescription drugs he was taking illegally than he cared about me.
That was Jim. It lasted 3 years. We lived together part of that time. I never wrote on this blog when I was living with him because my whole life revolved around being the perfect girlfriend, and always failing miserably despite my efforts. It was a rather pathetic situation all around.

Sorry if this sounds like a post full of complaints. I will add that I have been doing some writing that I'm submitting to literary journals so I will let you know if anything gets published.

 

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

survive, survive, survive


 
 
Well a lot has been going on lately. I've had more trouble with some of the delusional thoughts, such as that CIA/NSA/Special Ops where after me. I was watching this TV show called "Intelligence", where the government puts a microchip into a guy's brain to  give him superpowers. I actually thought for a number of years that I had a microchip implanted in my body by the CIA. During one low period, I tried to cut it out of my leg with broken  glass in a hotel bathroom after overdosing in an effort to kill myself because I thought it was the end of the world.
 
 
The last time I was in the hospital, a young girl asked me, "Do you hear voices because of your microchip?" I was caught off guard because I no longer believe in microchips and I had never talked about that in this hospital at all. I said "What microchip?" She said, "The one your dad put there". This was apparently her own story she was projecting onto me. She thought her dad gave her a microchip.
 
 
Not long after that conversation they discharged her, even though she was screaming that she needed help. It was really hard to watch that. I guess her insurance had run out.
 
Other things happening now........I've fallen way behind in my schoolwork and there's not much time to catch up. For the next two days and nights I will have to work on it nonstop (except when at work).
I'm having a lot of the negative symptoms of staring off into space and not being able to handle all my housework.
 
I've become thoroughly disgusted with my weight and an determined to lose it somehow.
 
 I have a lot of financial problems due to my sky high car insurance and I can't seem to find a have to ask her for that. Normally she is broke because neither one of us manages our finances well...My car insurance is heinous, but I can't seem to find a  cheaper policy anywhere. So I have resorted to borrowing food money from my mom. It's demoralizing to s well, and she usually is asking me to borrow money because she makes a good salary but mismanages it.   I guess I mismanage mine too.
 
My good friend who was cleaning my apartment regularly for a reasonable price, apparently does not want to do it anymore. I don't blame her, but I am not sure how I will manage the housework on my own. I have to force myself to do these things. and with the negative symptoms of psychosis worsening I don't see that happening. In support groups for Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder online, I have found that many people have trouble keeping their homes clean, and even keeping themselves clean. Some do not brush their teeth for months, and do not shower for weeks. I manage to shower a few times a week, but not everyday. I don't have the energy to bother with that every day. I do always brush my teeth everyday though.
 
I have been slacking in my involvement with the National Organization for Women, and with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). For all intents and purposes, I've had nothing to do with NOW for a while, not because I don't care, but I have a class that meets the same time as the monthly NOW meeting so I cannot go to the meetings.  I have also missed several NAMI meetings either because I had to work, or because the location was changed and I didn't know it had been changed. The maintaining of the NAMI Facebook page is my main job right now within NAMI, but I want to help more with other things when  I can. For example, I want to teach another Peer to Peer class.

I think because of hormonal issues I am really emotional right now, so I've been lying here crying about how I can't sleep, and how U can't afford to miss work again for not waking up in time. And how I hate taking all these medications that might not even be working. I am also very lonely as usual so I cried about that too. I don't typically cry often about anything, but that is why I think it is hormonal. So I will end this post now as it is starting to sound like a litany of complaints.
 
 
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Thursday, March 20, 2014

sleep, glorious sleep

So currently I am taking the following for sleep purposes:
Ambien 10 mgs, alternating or together with Vistaril, in addition to Valium, 5HTP and Melatonin

All of this is to make me sleep.

Additionally, I take Methocarbomal which is a muscle relaxer for my fibromyalgia and Clozaril at night as well, so I am someone VERY SEDATED and it's finally starting to make me sleep. This isn't working particularly well with waking up though. I have been late for work for being too sedated to get up. But this is what it takes .I didn't want another benzo because they're addictive and I come from a family full of alcoholics and that worries me, but my psychiatrist assure d me I don't need to worry about it since I'm not an addict. I've been on Klonopin since 1999 and my goal was to get off it. Going onto Valium was not my plan though. I'm just going along with this regimen right now because I was so freakin' tired I couldn't take another sleepless night.

I'm going to try to sleep now

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

not sleeping and being followed by CIA agents

So, I haven't slept well in years. I don't know if it's been three years since I went off Seroquel, but it's been sometime near that length of time. And when I went off Seroquel, I simply stopped sleeping like a normal human who is zonked out by a sedating medication.

I take Ambien - 10 mgs. - been on it for years. Melatonin every night for years. Lots of it. Valerian Root - ceased to help. Restoril didn't help. Ambien and Melatonin can be judged as NOT helping considering that I am awake right now for 48 hours or more, as I didn't sleep at all last night. Klonopin also, I take 2 mgs. I take a muscle relaxer for my Fibromyalgia called Methocarbomal which should also sedate me. With what I am taking an elephant should be sedated. And I may be obese, but I'm not elephant.

I saw my rheumatologist today. "Look, I've been awake for a couple days, I'm not sleeping, nothing works, my psychiatrist doesn't know how to help me". She said to try tryptophan, so I'm going to look for that, like tomorrow. I'd do it tonight but I'm too tired to drive and too doped up on my meds that exhaust me even as they don't make me sleep.

Because this problem with having to function all day whilst having gotten no sleep the night before is a regular phenomenon for me now, things are going awry with my brain. This should come as no surprise. When you don't sleep, serious mental illnesses don't get better; they get worse.

So today there was a short blonde man and a tall dark-haired man delivering some kind of items at the doctor's office while I was in the waiting room. I didn't trust them, and I watched as the one man looked at the sign in sheet where my name was clearly written next to the name of my doctor. The taller man had a device - Blackberry/Android whatever -and was looking at that. They stood by the check in desk for some time waiting for a staff person to talk to them.

After my appointment, I went searching for my old neighbor Mary's new residence. She was unfortunately moved into a crowded and not too lovely ALF a couple months ago. So I went to pick her up for lunch, but because I had no idea how to get there from where I was, I followed 9th Ave in St. Petersburg for 100 blocks till I got to her place. I picked her up and we made our way - with a few wrong turns - to a restaurant that I like for its good food and reasonable prices. While we were sitting in our booth, the two men came in. I swear they were the same two men who had been at my doctors office across town hours before. I was so sure it was them, I instantly made the CIA connection in my head, because who else would be following me? I was afraid.

After I took Mary home, and the men were long gone, I called my mom. I told her these men were following me. "Why would anybody follow you? What makes you think you're so important?" Well, fucking Schizophrenia makes me think that, frankly, but what is the point of asking me this question?
I tell her they were CIA agents, and she goes into her grumbling and then adds, "come on over to my house and try to get some sleep. Your problem is that you don't sleep".

So I went there and tried to sleep. She has a comfortable couch and bed. I tried both but couldn't sleep.
So now it is 9:32 and I am still away from yesterday morning. I am aiming at getting some sleep tonight.

I am also nervous about those men following me. I don't typically think these things anymore, these paranoid kinds of thoughts about specific people that get me really worked up. But those two guys brought it on. My mom said there is no way it was the same two guys I saw. I feel quite sure it was. I am also aware there are times when I confuse people's faces for thinking they are somebody else who I know when they are not anybody I know at all. So that fact is not lost on me.

Please, universe, just help me sleep tonight.

Thank you, universe. I have faith in you.

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