I'm scared and have few places to vent, so here goes:
I've been dealing with chronic illnesses since I was 19 years old and they started all the tests and the diagnosing of nothing but Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I quickly learned what the phrase "you don't look sick" meant, and I learned quickly about being dismissed and told "it's all in your head; here's another antidepressant".
20 years later I despise the entire medical profession for all the goddamn pills I've been put on over the past 20 years that probably caused me more problems than they solved. The only person I like to see right now is this chiropractic intern who sits and patiently talks to me about my pain and health problems and doesn't treat me like a professional patient/hypochondriac/self-pitying fat person/lazy bum/just another psych patient. The only doctor I like is my rheumatologist who, thankfully, takes me seriously.
Two days ago I saw her and she saw, by looking at me, because it's pretty goddamn obvious at this point, that I was really really sick. I started reading off my list of symptoms and she sent me for a chest x-ray, because I'm short of breath, and a thyroid ultrasound because my thyroid seemed out of wack. But then I had to go, again, to this gynecologist I despise because I overheard her call me a "Very High Maintenance" patient and the nurses were laughing about it, and I wasn't hallucinating this, this actually happened. So she comes into the room and asks me what's going on and I said, "I don't want to go into it since you're just going to tell me I'm a high maintenance patient". I was there for a pelvic ultrasound because I went in a few weeks ago wanting a pap smear as I felt really sick and was kind of scared that my precervical cancer issue had turned up again and I was having really bad abdominal pain, and also I got my period twice within three weeks, so I assumed that I was having a flare up of endometriosis again or a problem with ovarian cysts again. So she had me go through this transvaginal ultrasound which is not a hell of a lot of fun (I've had them before), especially if you have issues of a traumatic nature. I figured they'd call me, and, per usual, I would here "there's nothing really wrong".
But that's not what happened. They called me yesterday and said I had a large "fluid filled and solid mass" on my ovaries, or maybe the woman said one of the ovaries, I'm not sure. And also I have "a thickened wall of the uterus". So I have to get a bloodtest which is used to diagnose ovarian cancer tomorrow morning. And I have to get something called a saline ultrasound and endometrial biopsy on Friday, unless they'll do it sooner if I call them tomorrow and beg them to do it sooner because I feel extremely, extremely sick.
I can deal with the chronic shit. I cannot deal with cancer. I do not want to die. I do not want to die before I write the book I've wanted to write all my life. I do not want to die before I finish my B.A. and find a meaningful job. I do not want to die right now. I keep telling myself "You're not going to die" and a line from a poem by Tennyson that my friend who is a poet who overcame cancer has tattooed on his arm, and the last line of that is "not to yield". I keep telling myself a phrase he told me from a movie once, hard to explain right now but it's "kill the bear". I keep telling myself, "I'm going to be okay". But it's hard to believe that it's going to be okay when you feel so weak and lightheaded and in you're in severe pain and you don't really no why.
If you have some positive thoughts or want to leave a comment, I could really use your support.
Thank you for reading this. Writing is really my only outlet. I need to see my therapist badly but they had to cancel my last appointment.
On top of everything else, I found out Monday that my job is ending in January, and I found out a couple days ago that Social Security is trying, again, to say I make too much money and I'm not disabled anymore and they want to cancel my benefits. So feeling too sick to do much other than be lying down a lot of the time, I get to deal with that bullshit. I really can't take much more stress.
I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Sorry for rambling.