My doctor said to me the other day, "What are we going to do about your weight?" She liked the idea of me joining Weight Watchers (only the problem is I don't have the money to do so.)
The chiropractor tells me to go on a strict, gluten free diet and tries to convince me this would solve all my physical and mental health problems.
I am so ashamed of being fat. And the worst part is, everybody views me as fat.
The constantly dieting, thin girls at work look down on me. One of them told me recently to try eating soup with extra water added to it so I could lose weight. She probably weights 95 pounds and is always talking about dieting, all the time.
I spent a big portion of my life being anorexic. And now the question my mom has asked me several times, "can't you go back?": is making me think maybe I should go back to it. I know it was hell, and it was hard on me physically and mentally, and it almost killed me. But I was THIN then, and that was what made the trouble seem worthwhile. I don't want to have an eating disorder relapse, but I also don't want to be obese anymore. I can't handle not being able to look in the mirror without disgust anymore. I can't handle knowing nobody finds me attractive anymore. I'm so sick of it.
I tried online dating in this past year, and the only guys attracted to me were few and far between, in contrast to my 20's when dozens of guys would email me after they saw my picture of my thin self. I actually wasted money on Match.com and met no one. No one. And one asshole wrote to tell me I was not "average" in body type, I was below average. Thanks, that was a really pleasant email to read.
I've been watching triggering movies about girls with eating disorders all weekend. I'm stuck in bed, sick with the flu, but this is what has been interesting me above all else. Losing weight would be so wonderful, and if I could just look like I used to look, I know that I wouldn't despise myself so much.
This probably sounds anti-feminist and fat-shaming which is not how I mean to sound. I believe women should love their bodies whatever they weigh. But I can't love mine. I don't like being prediabetic and not being able to fit into clothes sold at most stores. I don't like being out of breath from walking up the stairs to my apartment. I don't like not being able to cross my legs because my thighs are so massive. I hate it. I hate being fat. I hate it. I have to figure out what to do about it.
Recently my endocrinologist tried giving me Phentermine again, but like before, it caused chest pains. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to have a heart attack in the process, so I stopped taking it after a couple weeks this time. About four years ago I took it long enough to lose 50 lbs via diet and exercise, all of which I gained back after a cardiologist told me I needed to stop taking Phentermine.
This post may sound pathetic and lame, but I'm sorry, this is the way that I feel. I don't want this disgusting body any more.