He raped me in that motel room.
It was after that experience that I wrote a list of "rape prevention tips" which has, over the past twelve years, become famous.
I did not really realize it had become famous. I'd see people's postings of it on the internet for a while, and then, a few weeks ago, I was contacted by an editor for Buzzfeed, who said they wanted to make a video about my writing which had gone viral. I did not think this email was coming from Buzzfeed, because I was paranoid about being stalked, and I assumed that it was from some hacker guy who was trying to make fun of me on the internet for something I had written twelve years ago.
In actuality, the email really did come from Buzzfeed. I talked to the editor on the phone about a week ago. I have since looked on line, and low and behold, my writing really did go viral. It went viral because the comedian, Sarah Silverman, posted it on Twitter. Her post was an edited version, that was put online by someone else a few years ago. My website, where the original list was placed, is no longer online actively, but is archived, and was found.
Apparently everybody I know on Facebook has read my writing and did not know it was mine. News to me.
So I decided to take credit for my writing. And here is the blog I just created to do so:
Rape Prevention Tips.
I'm not going to sit around and not take credit for my own work. It doesn't say anything about me being assaulted in it. It never did. My own family does not know about the three times I was assaulted while I was psychotic, and even if I wanted to tell them, none of them would want to know. Other people would probably assume it was a delusion. I wish it was. It never was. It happened to me once in Virginia and twice in Florida. During a 2-year period. While I was so sick, I did not know who I really was, but I knew very well what was being done to me. And I never forgot. I remember the places, if not the exact dates.
This is complicated by the fact that for a long time, I believed I had been sexually abused as a child, and then later, I said, "I imagined all that". I'll never know how much of that was really imagined. I do know I was paranoid and that I thought things that there was not a lot of evidence for. But the things that were done to me as an adult, I remember quite well. And I never told people about it. Ever. Except to say things like, "Here is a link to the Ani Difranco song Gratitude", on this blog. Even on this blog, I didn't tell people what had happened to me. But it happened. And it's not right, and it's not fair, and it happens all the time to women who have mental illnesses and women who don't. It doesn't matter who you are or where you live or what you're doing, sexual assaults do happen. And they happen more often than anyone really knows, because so many of us are shamed into silence.
When I was assaulted in Virginia, I did go to the emergency room. I went and a friend - the only friend I had in Virginia - met me there. I did tell people then. I was examined and tested for STD's and pregnancy. I was put on the morning after pill (Plan B), which I had to go to a specific hospital to get since most hospitals do not even give it out, sad to say. I talked to a police officer, but I was so upset, he pretty much decided for me that they wouldn't pursue and investigation. I couldn't handle it then. If it happened to me now, damn straight there would be an investigation. But then, I couldn't handle it. People take advantage of vulnerable human beings living with mental illnesses And so, then, I became silent. I have not talked about it ot hardly anyone, especially since I've been "better" enough that I didn't want people to think I was claiming to be assaulted again like I had before, when I was not "better". I still am "better", I'm just writing this because I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't make that guy assault me. I didn't make the other two either. I was simply trying to survive in a world that was making that pretty difficult to do. If I had not been psychotic, maybe it wouldn't have happened, but that is really not the point. The point is that no man has the write to assault anyone, ever. Period.
I won't be totally silent now.