I literally cannot read my textbooks. At all. This may sound like an exaggeration, but I am not exaggerating. I have been staring at this same book that I stared at last week, and none of it computes at all. It makes no sense. It doesn't register. Nothing goes into my brain and gets processed. I do not understand what I am looking at.
Frequently, lately, I have asked the world, "what is going on here?". That is the only thing that comes to mind to ask. I have no idea what is going on sometimes. What are we doing in class? What am I looking at in the pharmacy? What is going on at the intersection? Where am I going? What am I doing?
I have a horrible headache. The noise in this library was giving me a complete anxiety attack, and I immediately searched for the headphones. Luckily, there was a pair in my pocket and another pair in my purse, because I knew I'd need headphones. I downloaded Spotify on the library's computer to listen to music, because I told myself that I would be able to stay in this library, around these people, with all this noise, and somehow study, if there was music.
It is not working.
The music is playing. My brain is not working.
The lights are extremely bothersome. I cannot stand the bright lights in here. I hate bright lights. They give me a horrible headache.
I know this sounds like a litany of petty complaints.
I don't know how I am going to finish college like this. It seems entirely ludicrous. I cannot read. I haven't read anything in either one of my political science books. I don't know how I am going to manage to pass the exams.
This is a really horrible situation to be in. I hate this. All of these medications, and they cannot get my brain to work efficiently. Why? What is the problem? I fail to understand why my life has to be such a disaster.
I will write something better another time, when I have something better to say. Cognitive problems are extremely frustrating, and my arms are killing me, which is not helpful when you are trying to use a computer or read a book, so I am kind of not in a good mood.
I apologize for sounding so negative.
A few months ago, I thought I might go to graduate school. Now I cannot even manage to get through undergrad classes, and this is very upsetting to me.